Sunday, December 20, 2009

Hey Christmas-Holla back!

We got the Swine Flu! Or the H1N1 I guess.... It sucks, but we got a pretty mild case. Amelia and Ezra were both pretty sick, throwing up, fevers, sore throats and coughing. Poor little babies. Ryan and I both have sore throats and slight head colds but none of the rest of the symptoms the little ones got. We all pretty much seem to be on the mend now. It wasn't worse then any other flu Ive ever had though. I did set a new record for how many times in one day I got puked on, it used to be 2, now it is 5. Awesome, go me. Ezra lost his voice for a couple days which was refreshing. Poor little boyly :)
That pretty much took up most of my entire week, but I did manage to sneak out and get some little things for the kids stockings so they can at least have something on Christmas morning.
I also got some biscuit dough so I can fry them and make donuts for them. It should be fun.
Ryan will get home early so we will just have family time and be thankful for what we DO have instead of stressing about what we dont. We have plenty more Christmas's to make up for it.
So this has been a pretty boring week. There are tons of good movies on over the Holidays though. I watched How to lose a guy in 10 days, The Holiday, Mean Girls, and You've Got Mail! Its amazing. Reminds me I need to start collecting dvd's.
I tried to take a christmasy picture of the kids under their stockings but it was a total mess. I dont know how people manage to get their kids pictures done. I remember trying to take Amelia when she was 1 for pictures and she would NOT stand and let them take even one picture! She may let them now, but I doubt Ezra would. I should get some of Ivy though since she hasn't had her pictures taken yet and shes 3 months old already :) hhmmm yeah.
Anyway my stomach is going to eat me alive if I dont feed it something. Boring week=boring blog. Til next week!
Be Safe.


So last week was my turn to not write. I've had the craziest busiest two weeks in awhile. My little brother Andrew is in jail, at least until January 14. This was unexpected and very unfair. It breaks my heart when I think of my dear baby brother in such a terrible place. I went to see him on visiting day and it was SO hard! He was close to tears the whole time and it was all I could do to keep from bawling. I'm writing him letter's too and the first letter I got from him made me cry so much. I put as much money in his account every week that I can. I wish I could do more- I miss him so much. I remember when he was born we lived in a trailor and the midwife had to open the door and sit on the steps to catch him. So that's how we know were rednecks. Another hard thing that has happened was my mom's surgery. It was so hard to see her in the hospital but I was so happy to repay the favor for all the time's she spent by my hospital bed. The first few days after she got home were really hard too. My dad of course was not much help. She is doing slightly better now but still just lays around mostly. And if you knew my mom you'd know that means she's still in a lot of pain:( I do all I can for her but never feel like it's enough. I am now working two job's and am freaking exhausted! My sleep schedule is so messed up and my body is not used to all this physical labor after being sick for so long. Not to mention having one car 2 people and 3 jobs get's pretty hard sometimes. I dont get as much time with Ryan as I used to and that's sad. I love him more than I ever thought I could. It's amazing how even after three years every kiss still give's me butterflies. How the touch of his hand gives me goose bumps. How His compliments still make me blush. He's so good to me and has taken such good care of me through out my illness. I probably spent way to much on him for Christmas considering how hard up we are. But I want to make up for spending last Christmas in the hospital. I LOVE Christmas and have almost all my shopping done. Ryan and I are going to my families on Christmas eve and then Ryans family and son are coming to our house Christmas day. I am so so so excited. I know this is not very long but I'm busy and tired and hungry so next week it is:)


Due to facebook status updates, I think that everyone in the world now knows that my mom had surgery . Well yes, she did and she is recovering very well, but while she was down and unable to walk around or sit anywhere I was in charge of....well everything! It experience, an awful awful experience. I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn, got the kids ready for school, made lunch, took them to school, came home for 2 hours then took another kid to school, stayed in town and shopped for 2 hours pretty much everyday then picked them up from school and took them home, made dinner, cleaned house, did laundry and did the same thing the next day!!! ahhhh it was so bad. So now that i had to go through that, i have added many more reasons to my "reasons not to have kids" list.
So other than cooking, cleaning and taking care of kids, last week was pretty uneventful. I still got to see Jesse every night for at least a little bit. I am SO glad he got this extention or else he would be leaving in 2 days!!! ahhh im so happy.
I cant believe its almsot chirstmas, it blows my mind like...alot. its insane how fast time goes by these days. Anyways, I think im getting sick, my throat hurts and I want to throw up everytime I eat...but I keep eating anyways cuz im fat and bored.
Oh yeah im really excited, tomorrow morning I am going to my Best Friend Casey's (the one having twins) ultrasound with her! She is due end of January..I cant believe it! I remember buying her the test and running into the bathroom to see the results...and now they are almost here!!!!! wow...crazy.
mmk well enough for now, HOLLLLA......oh wait Im Naomi,

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Oh come all ye faithful

Wow this week has been just nuts.
Everything went from being really normal and nothing new to all of a sudden being crashed into with events. Sadly none of them are very good events.
My mom had surgery, which is a good thing but still a bad thing. She is left at home with no one but Naomi and Leah to take turns caring for her and I feel horrible that it could not have been planned out more so I could come and take part in the daughterly duties. Im sure she will be fine and be up and around again in no time, my mom is a strong women. But because shes a strong women we dont get many chances to take care of her.
Also my little brother is in Jail. I am so broken by this. He made a stupid mistake and now is being punished beyond his crimes as far as Im concerned. I cry for him every time I think about him being in there. I just remember him as this little fat baby drooling all over everyone. I cut his umbilical cord when he was born. It breaks my heart into so many pieces. My poor mother is distraught about this of course, as Im sure I would be too. He will be in there over Christmas, New Years, and our baby brothers 7th birthday. I am planning a trip out there in January and I so hope he will be home safe and sound for my visit.

Speaking of Christmas, I made so much junk food this week! I made chocolate rice krispie treats, puppy chow, sugar cookies, and two kinds of cake balls! Everything is so delicious but by the end of the day I feel so sick I swear Im not going to eat any of it the next day. That lasts long :)
I would love to do more really deep hard core baking but contrary to popular belief, I just dont have the time to be in the kitchen concentrating for that long uninterrupted. Sometimes its like I will be watching the kids and I will turn around and get a cup and turn back around and they have gotten into something. They are just so crazy and fast!
I have had a couple melt downs myself this week but I have been doing so much better it seems. I admit, I stamped my foot today I was so mad. I was instantly reminded of the part in Eclipse when Bella stomps her foot and Jacob says "Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on tv" and I probably would have laughed if my foot didn't hurt so bad. They are just so much those little children. They wear me out and make me so tired...but they're so darn cute I really can only be angry at them for a second no matter what they do.

I went out alot this week. Which is very unusual for me! I went to Target to get christmas decorations on like Tuesday I think, and then the next day Ryan said he didn't like them so I took them back and got different ones.....which we again decided we didn't like so we decided not to decorate the outside of the house this year. To much work. So I took stuff back again! I think I have been in Target almost every day this week for something or other. I really dont mind though, I like getting out of the house, however short the trip may be. It really helps me clear my head and come back with fresh eyes and a new mind. Anyway, thats all from me for now. Til next week-

Be Safe.



First off, I’m sorry about my absents last week, I was “in the depths of despair”. haha actually that wasn’t the case at all, I was busy, but busy in a good way. I was being loved and spoiled to death by the man of my dreams, shopping trips, dinners, movies, presents, surprises and more! I didn’t want to miss out on a single second of any of it, so I didn’t. I have never felt more important, and cherished by someone than I do now. I cant even begin to describe how happy I am with Jesse. We have so much fun together, it doesn’t matter if we are doing everything or nothing at all, I love it.
I also did a lot of Christmas shopping last week, Thursday with Leah, Saturday with Annie and Monday with Jesse. Good thing I love shopping or I might be sick of it by now, but…IM NOT
This week has definitely been ALL about Jesse, we spend every second possible together. Sometimes I feel like he’s gonna get sick of me and want some time alone, but as soon as I feel myself feeling that way, my phone rings and I hear his cheery voice questioning me “what do you want to do today” or “what should we do today”, I know I sound mushy and annoying, but I just LOVE him so much its amazing.
I am getting a little nervous, almost scared about him leaving. I know that everything will work out fine and we will be together again soon, but I don’t want to lose any of the love I have for him right now, I don’t want to forget the things we have done together or forget how much he means to me. Hopefully him leaving will only make me love him more and want to be with him more. Wow he is all I never talk about, I'm annoying, but I cant help it sometimes……It blows my mind that in just 11 days, he will be gone.
Because Jesse is leaving the day before Christmas, his family is having a little Christmas party for him this Sunday, it should be fun, a little depressing, but of course I have to put on a smile and be as happy as possible. I am trying to get it worked out so I will be able to visit Rachel in California after Christmas, I think it will be good for me, and good for her too. I am a good babysitter and I haven’t seen those children in a long time! The only way I can get Amelia to talk on the phone to me is by pretending I'maunty little bear” haha she cracks me up.
Well hmm other than that…its snowing, freezing and I'm hungry. Oh yes and Iv decided to start my own recipe book! (thanks Rachel)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Ghost of Christmas's past

The Holidays can be one of two things, the most exciting fun and love filled times, or the saddest most depressing lonely times. Somehow, Im caught in the middle. I love my children and my husband to much to be really sad or depressed. But the fact that we wont be celebrating Christmas like every other normal family in the world breaks my heart. I know my kids might not remember it, but I will. Everyone says that about things like this. Isn't it my job to create these moments for them to make memorys of? If there aren't any special or magic moments of course they wont remember it. I hate that both of our familys are so far from us. I hate that my kids cant have fun traditions that they do at each of their grandparents house. But I am determined to make Christmas special somehow. Ryan works Christmas day so that makes it hard, I dont want to leave him out. I feel like I haven't had a Christmas in 5+years and Im sick of it. I want to be filled with that happy excitment. I want to feel Christmas like a child!

This whole week has been trying its hardest to get me down, but surprisingly I have been in an extremely good mood. And as dumb as this may sound to some, Facebook is a huge factor. I love being able to see what my family is up to all the time. And I love being able to talk to friends I haven't seen in years without having to make awkward phone calls. It somehow contents that part of me that was missing, social and personal interraction with people over the age of 2 1/2! Amazingly, when Im in a better mood, Ryan is in a better mood. :)

We finally bought a dining table which I am ecstatic about, I never want to eat at a tv tray again. We have been using them since we first got married and they're the biggest annoyance.

It feels so good buying things for our house! I want to start painting so bad but I know I would end up getting frustrated having to stop in the middle all the time.

Anyway, it was finally cold enough for me to have an excuse to make soup! I was so excited cause I adore soup and stew and chowder, so I bought some sour dough bread rounds and we had potatoe soup in bread bowls and honey mustard chicken. It was fantastic if I do say so myself. Did it matter that it was only 69 degrees? No...anything under 70 is undeniable soup weather. Well I suppose Im done rambling on about everything except for my week :) But those are the things that I want to get out. So, my kids are adorable, and usually dirty. But I love them and enjoy every day I get with them. They do drive me nuts, but I would rather be crazy with them then sane without them. I love Ryan, hes a better man then I ever deserved and a awesome daddy to our babys. I am so richly blessed and I dont want anyone to think I ever take that for granted. I guess I feel like I have been complaining alot lately, but everyone has ups and downs, and right now Im up!


Mostly I spent this week in bed. Sad I know. My mood seems to switch every week. And when I'm feeling depressed it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. Hard not to fall asleep sitting on the couch. Hard to have any desire to clean my house. To do anything. For some reason I am feeling very insecure about myself these days. I'm told all around I shouldn't I honestly don't feel like I should be either. I'm thinner than Ive ever been. My hair is longer than its ever been. My skin is finally clear. But I find myself obsessing over every wrong thing about myself I can find. Don't worry I wont go into detail. But I'm tired of it taking me an hour to try on everything I own because I don't think I look good in anything. Its on my mind so much of the time. I know its wrong to obsess over how I look so much. I just want to feel good about myself. Ryan sure seems happy with me if you know what I mean but sometimes its hard for me to be comfortable even with him I'm so self concious. I worked a couple nights this week. I hate that bar with all my heart and love my job like no other. Its not really a job. Just a place I go to serve drinks and get paid. Always dramatic. Always disgusting. Definitely never thought I'd see a grown man drunk enough to crap his pants. The thing I hate the most is the pregnant women smoking. Why are they blessed with a child they choose to harm?! It seems like Ryan was at work ALL day every day this week. Usually he gets a 3 hour break and having hime gone so much made me so depressed! I cannot be alone that often and be okay. I think to much and focus on the bad. I wish so much I could control my emotions better. Alot happened with my family this week. My wonderful brother Daniel pretty much got jumped by 5 other guys and they did him pretty good. He fought like a man and ended up getting his collarbone broke. That hurts me so much! I have had mine broke and just wish I could do something to help him. A close friend of the family's, who was very young took his own life this week. Leading one of my other younger brothers to rash actions that landed him in jail. It was scary and stressful for everyone, my mother especially. The highlights of my week were Friday, when Naomi and I went Christmas shopping and I mostly bought her things. We ate delicious chinese food and had a great time till Kmart denied my sears credit card. Boo Kmart. But it was fun. And Sunday I got to relax and spend the whole day with Ryan. It was wonderful. So ends my week.


Naomi didn't blog this week cause she is in the depths of despair.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I am finally getting around to LAST weeks blog. We spent all week up north visiting Ryan's family so its not like I don't have a good excuse. But still...geesh.
The Holiday went pretty well. Its not really a huge change for me cause I still just sit in the house with the baby while everyone else goes and plays or whatever. But at least I'm not alone. Ezra was so clingy the whole time and if neither Ryan or I was holding him he was screaming and crying. So that was fun.
Ivy was incredibly good and cried maybe one time the entire week. And Amelia of course had a blast with everyone. It was nice to be in cold weather for a little while, but man when we started driving home and hit that 70 degree mark it was awesome. I love where we live!
Anyway, back to the Holiday. So Thanksgiving is always kinda hard for me cause its my favorite holiday and I hate not seeing my family. I wish I could be there to help my mom cook, since I know the other two girls aren't really reliable in that department. I actually don't know if Leah can cook, but I do know shes really good at dropping things and misreading recipes. Not a good combination. I'm hoping maybe next year we can spend Thanksgiving in Michigan. We'll see I suppose. So I really didn't eat to much, I hate stuffing myself so I somehow learned to eat just enough and it feels so good! Then we had a boggle match, of which I won. Of course. All my practice of playing it by myself must have paid off. Then everyone just kinda sat around and talked. The next day my sister in law, Carli, informed me she had never had a S'more!! I was so appalled that we drove to the store and bought S'more stuff. It was my one and only trip out of the house all vacation. While we were out Ryan called and told me to buy ping pong balls. So after walking up and down all the isle's we finally asked a kid who worked there. He led the way handed us the balls and then proclaimed "Beer Pong is ON!!" we just kinda looked at him like he was an idiot, then turned and walked away. So we went home and made S'mores in the fireplace and it was amazing. I haven't had a s'more in so long.
Saturday we had to go pick up the rental car from the Sacramento Airport and to kill time we walked around the Woodland Mall which is an outdoor mall. I love outdoor malls. I bought two pairs of jeans so I could stop washing the one pair that fit me everyday. I was so happy when I got on the scale after we got home and saw I didn't gain any weight on vacation. I really think this no soda thing is a huge factor.
One exciting thing is in the works. Both Ryan and I have tickets that expire in February, but we don't have the time or the money to take a trip anywhere...soooo I might be going to Michigan with just my baby Ivy for a little trip. I want to so bad but at the same time I really really miss my kids when there gone for more then an hour or two. I would worry about Ryan too. But I'm still excited and I think they would have fun without me, even though Ryan insists it would be terrible. Were still trying to figure it all out so no promises yet. Anyway, I suppose that's all I have for last week. It was pretty long and boring, and as happy as I am that we went and got to see everyone, I'm happy to be home.

Well my week started off a little bad. I'm having a really hard time with the loss of my kittens:( And some stupid girl tried to lay claim to my man. Don't worry that will get taken care of.I got to babysit for my friend Kat again. Her baby boy is bringing new joy to my life every week. And of course this week was Thanksgiving! Ryan went to my parents house and it was wonderful spending time with my siblings and dear Mother. My Dad even got out of bed for awhile! The food was of course wonderful and I ate as much as I could and brought my own Tupperware so I wouldn't have to cook for Ry the next day. Speaking of the next day. Only one of the best days of the year. I did not go to bed Thursday night but stayed up with my baby till about 3am when I left to stand in line at Kohl's for their huge sale. Of course Michigan decided to hold the snow off this year until I had to stand out in it freezing my ass off. But it was worth it. I am so so excited about Christmas this year. I got quite allot of my Christmas shopping done and am very happy the results. I do wish I had more sisters. Its so much more fun shopping for girls... But anyways, I got home from my shopping expedition at around 9 and then slept till 3pm to make up for it. Then I got to wake up and spend some good quality time with my Man. And I know I'm a week behind the times but I finally got to see New Moon! My friends Heather and Katrena came and took me out and it was one of the best movies ever. But the long girl talk we all had in my living room after we got home was almost better. I don't get enough girl time and that's a fact. I'm gonna work on that in the future. I loved the time I got to spend with those dear women but it made me realize all the more how badly I want a family of my own. Hearing them talk about their children gave me a longing ache inside. It didn't hurt as bad as it used to. But Oh I want a baby. I will be so much happier when the Mother inside of me is allowed to come out! Jake calls me "Mama Leela" and hearing mama in any form warms my heart. But I know he just calls me that because Ryan calls me Mama. Jake and are more of good buddies:) Which is fine, I just cant wait to have his little brother or sister. Buying Jake presents was lots of fun knowing I'm going to be playing with them as much as he is. I just wish I could get more for people. I'd love to buy Jake's mother something nice. And my Grandparent's for the times they have me out financially in the past two years. I got my own Mother nice things though! Oh I cant wait for Christmas. I'm decorating the house tomorrow and I smile just thinking about it. I'm finally getting help from the state but its not enough to talk about. Shh, I'm working part time under the table at a bar. Not my favorite place but sometimes I have fun and its nice to get out and really nice to pay bills. I have been in such a spectacular mood the last few days and I'm not sure what I owe to but sure am thankful. Maybe these damn medications have finally worked together to make me well. I cant believe I haven't been to the hospital in 2 1/2 months. Its a new record! I know my life isn't as interesting when its less dramatic but oh does it feel good to be happy. I am thankful. Thankful for God my heavenly father. For my parents, For my siblings, Joey, Rachel, Daniel, Naomi, Andrew, Seth, Levi, Mark, Esther, and Micah. For Ryan who is the best thing that ever happened to me. For Ryan's family who accepted me as one of their own without a second thought. For my wonderful house. Great friends. And pain in the ass Cats, Chronic, Raina, Douja, and Pookie:) Thank you Lord for what you have given me.


Oh Holiday breaks, I adore you! I had two days of school this week, Monday went by quickly before I even realized it was Tuesday and my last day for the week. After school on Tuesday I got all “dressed up” and went out for some quality bonding time with Steve, Jesses dad. He took me hunting! For the very first time ever…I never really had the desire to go but he kept talking about it and it caught my interest and I figured my life is pretty boring so why not try something new. We went out for about 2 ½ hours and we sat there...and sat there…and yeah finally decided to call it a night. We didn’t see anything…not even a bird or a bug…it was silent and still in the cold, windy woods.
Wednesday I cleaned the house, then went home and helped my mom get motivated to clean her house…it didn’t work so well we were both so blah we didn’t feel like doing anything,
Thursday was Thanksgiving of course. At around 1 or 1:30 Jesse and I headed over to my moms house for thanksgiving with my family. We stayed about 2 1/2 hours, enough time to eat a little bit, talk a while and say our goodbyes. Next we headed over to his family’s for thanksgiving….there was…A TON of people. The house isn’t very big so it was quite the adventure. We brought dusty ( the kitten) and Jesses mom kept referring to him as her grand baby haha It made everyone laugh. It was a really fun day, we ate a lot and got to spend time with some really nice people. The worst part, when we went to see New Moon, we made a little deal. He told me that if he took me to see it, then I have to go see this movie Ninja Assassin with him. I agreed, thinking he would forget or I would get out of it somehow…but I didn’t. and it was the worst movie I have ever seen……truly. But oh well, a deal is a deal.
Friday we went out for some shooting practice before hunting again Friday afternoon. Again, we sat there for a few hours and saw nothing. Jesse came with us this time so it kind of made things a little more interesting. I got so cold super fast, so we headed back to the car early. I felt bad, but when I cant feel my toes or nose I don’t really care anymore.
Well Saturday…hmmm Oh yes, we “took that day”. haha it’s a new saying that Jesse is in love with. It means to just lay around ALL day and do nothing. And we did it very well. It was actually a lot of fun :) at around 6 we decided we better get up for at least a few hours. We went down the road and visited some of Jesses close friends. We were only there for maybe two hours, then back home to watch a movie and call it a night.
Sunday is church of course :) I love going to church but hate it at the same time. It always makes me so emotional. All these people coming up to him asking him about his training and all that stuff. Then giving me these awful looks of sympathy and telling me they better still see me around while he’s gone. They used to ask me if I was going with him, but that ended after about four weeks and a lot of aggravation. Now all I get is “aww you poor thing“, and “oh honey I’m sorry“….yeah well really, I would rather just ignore it and not have people talk to me and sympathize for me. So after church I pretty much fell apart. I could not control myself no matter how hard I tried. I hate crying around Jesse. It makes me feel weak or something, like I cant handle what’s about to happen. But I can handle it, I know I can. He didn’t mind though, he just held me and let me cry, tried to feed me chocolate and turned on all my favorite shows. I would stop every now and then for a while and be totally fine, then he would say or do something and send me straight back into my overwhelming emotional state. I love him so much, his words of comfort for me were “oh don’t worry, its just part of your cycle” haha that one made me laugh, he also said I was having an “off” day because it was cold and rainy outside, which is partly true. Well that’s pretty much it for the most part. Everything went really well this week. I had a lot of fun, and a lot of re-assurance that everything is gong to be fine.

Monday, November 23, 2009

New Moon and the Holidays begin

For as quickly as last week was, this week made up for by dragging at snail pace. It was eventful in its own way. No real catastrophes but still enough action to leave me exhausted by the end of the day. And so it goes with toddlers in your house. I had some enlightening moments though, which were very overdue! I really love this time of year and I want my kids to love it too. I cant wait to start baking and shopping and decorating. I have really been trying to be more patient with the kids and trying to not stress out about anything unworthy of my stress. It seems to be working out ok. Ivy is in full smiling cooing mode now so that helps me feel a little better. You just feel so unloved when your baby only cries for you and then eats and go back to sleep. A little smile in between there is a great pick me up. I got to go see my first movie in years on Friday. The Twilight Saga's "New Moon" It was AMAAAAAAZZING! I absolutely loved every second of it. Its the first time ever a movie was made from a fantastic book without totally sucking and leaving important things out. Wow I want to see it again.
We had a trip planned to drive up to see Ryan's family for thanksgiving week. I had reserved a rental car about a week and a half earlier and later Friday night we went to pick it up only to find that Ryan's card had expired like a week ago. And they couldn't let us rent it without a major credit card. So that was fun. We had to scramble around at like 9pm and try and find someone who would let us use their card, and they had to be present at the time of the renting procedure. Well we did find someone but by the time we got the car it was like 11:00pm so I was trying to get everything put in the car and transfer car seats and take a shower and all that stuff. Kids come with so much luggage! Ezra has been teething all weekend so he kept waking up screaming and I had to lay with him off and on all day and night, poor little boy is getting four molars! He has a fever and wont eat anything he has to bite. So the drive was awesome to say the least. He cried like the entire time. Its so cold here! My poor desert babies are not used to this extreme weather. I mean really its like 50 degrees but we not used to seeing anything below 65! They have a huge german shepherd dog who Amelia just loves. She was outside with him earlier and I was spying on her talking to him, she was sitting there petting his nose saying "better not eat me Max, better not"
I know it lame but thats about it for this week. Alot happened in between the lines but unless anything more comes of it I am going to leave it unsaid. Until next week!


I dont know that I even want to talk to much about this week. I lost all three of my kittens. One by one no matter what I did for them they died off. I am so so upset about this its got me crying all the time. I wont even go into detail about what happened. But it was terrible.
Lets focus on good things. I FiNaLlY got my food stamp and disability money. Its not much. But its enough to help us out right now. Im babysitting for a few good friends and am able to do a few side jobs. So things are finally looking up financially. I never thought paying bills would feel so good. With lots of food in the house again Im trying to gain my weight back. Yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal, 2 yoplait whip yogurts, a ham sandwhich and chips, 2 toaster strudels, half of a calzone and a bowl of ice cream. Wasn't a very productive day but I got alot of reading done:)
I have decided that this Christmas WILL BE wonderful! I am taking my department store credit cards and buying the people I love presents and am not even going to worry about how long it takes me to pay it off. I cant wait till Thanksgiving, partly because were going to my parent this year and I am so so excited and hungry just thing about it. And partly because I get to decorate the house for Christmas the day after! I'm getting a real tree and can smell it all ready. I have alot of good Christmas memories and some bad. But I do always remember Rachel being the one who picked out our tree every year. And it was always beautiful.
I've been a total klutz this week. I spill and drop everything and I fell down our stairs for the first time. It reminds me of how bad I was when I was younger. I got my first bloody nose by opening the refrigerator door. And speaking of doors I managed to get my tongue closed in one once. Or the time I was clothes lined while running my pony. Stepping off the side of the stairs and getting a concussion. Having a horse fall on me and getting staples in my head as the result. I think those are all the favorites but trust me there's more. Just yesterday I sliced my finger wide open cutting lemons....
I guess my life is pretty boring right now. Maybe next week I'll be more insightful.

Iv been having so much fun lately. It doesn’t even matter what I’m doing, I’m in a constant good mood and I enjoy pretty much anything I do. Except school of course, but its almost over….one more week! I have this next week off for thanksgiving break, then I go back and take exams and then its over….wow.
My weeks never have anything interesting to talk about so I usually skip them and talk all about my wonderful weekendsJ
I didn’t have school on Friday so I went home on Thursday night. I convinced Jesse to skip work on Friday so we could spend the day together…haha it was…interesting. We drove to grand rapids to look at a truck that he wants to buy his dad for Christmas, it was…not my idea of a fun day together, but it ended up being really fun! We always have fun on our little road trips. The rest of the night Friday we just hang out, talked, watched movies…the norm.
Saturday morning I had to go back to school for a choir rehearsal..... boring. After it finally ended, I headed back home for about 5 minutes, then over to Jesses….again. We cleaned his whole house! It was fun, I love cleaning other peoples houses.
Saturday afternoon I headed over to one of my best friends, Casey's house. She is due in February with twins, one boy and one girl. She had her baby shower. It was pretty fun, I lost all of the games. People would think that I would win, and be really smart about baby stuff because of my big family and midwife mother, but the truth is….IM NOT. I held a baby earlier this week…it was awkward.
I felt bad, but I couldn’t wait for the shower to be over….not just because I wanted to get out of the room filled with chicks, but because tonight Jesse and I were going to see NEW MOON.
We got to the theatre at 730, haha to our surprise, on the 3rd night of its showings… 3 different theatres the 730, 8, 840 and 9 o clock shows were all sold out. We bought tickets for the 9:40 show and headed out to the mall to kill some time.
We got some dinner at Applebee’s and wondered around the mall looking for the boots I want…no luck there.
The time actually flew by and before we knew it the movies was starting….it was the best 2 hours of my life. I’m scared to talk about it because I don’t want to sound like an obsessed freak, but truthfully, that’s really what I am.
The rest of the weekend was blah compared to that Saturday night, we got some pizza, watched some movies and just hung out.
I was back in Bellevue and ready to settle down and go to bed when I realized that my homework and book bag with my papers that were due Monday morning were missing…awesome. Just my luck, I had to get up and drive back to my mothers and get my stuff. I ended up just staying and getting up extra early to drive to school Monday morning.
I love every second I spend the Jesse and it kills me to think that in exactly one month today, he will be gone.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

When do you break?

Wow this week flew by for some reason. It has been a pretty hard week even though it was fast. I don't even really remember Monday, which is typical for Monday. But I don't think I could ever forget Tuesday if I wanted too. Ezra took his diaper off and pooped all over the floor, then played in it a little and even decided to taste some. He walked out of the office with poop from his head to his toes. After I threw him in the sink and scrubbed him down I got to hunt down his diaper and try and scrub poop out of the carpet. No matter how you clean it, it never seems efficient. Its poop for crying out loud. That pretty much ruined my mood for the rest of the day. Hard thing to come back from.
Wednesday we had another little mishap, but thankfully it was a little tastier. I came down stairs from changing over a load of laundry and peeked in the living room to make sure the kids were still all there. Ezra was on sitting on the floor watching Little Bear, Ivy was sleeping in her bouncer, and Amelia....? Where is she? Oh... there she is, in Ivy's swing, covered in peanut butter. I repeat..... PEANUT BUTTER!
You really don't realize how oily peanut butter is until you try to wash it off a 2 year old. Of course it was a step up from poop. But seriously? THAT made me HAPPY? The fact that its peanut butter instead of poop. Yes, that was the highlight of the situation. *sigh*
Other things happened, spills and messes, fights and crying, lots of mud but nothing really worth mentioning.
I have felt so lonely this week. Like I'm lost inside this beautiful house and nobody outside of it knows or cares about me.
I feel like I'm in a constant pity party for myself and I hate that. I want so badly to find a church, but at the same time it seems pointless since I will inevidably just end up in the nursery anyway. The truth is, I read my bible, and I pray constantly. The reason I want a church is so I can meet people and have a church family, you dont realize how important they is until you dont have it anymore.
I could feel it coming this week. Like a cold blanket of depression wrapping itself around me. My world seems to be falling apart and I cant even find all the pieces to put it back together. Saturday though, was the worst. I had noticed one of my cats three week old kittens was not growing as fast as the others, and he couldn't use his back legs very well. The past few days I had spent alot of time by the box holding two of the fatter kittens to try and get the little one to nurse. He just wouldn't/couldn't and pretty soon Raina would guide him to the corner away from the other kittens. She knew what I refused to believe. So that day I couldn't get him to nurse at all. He started crying. It was the most heartbreaking sound I've heard in a long time and I immediately started sobbing along with him. Raina cried every time the baby did and that made it worse. I called the vet and told them what was going on and the lady just went on about how there's a fee to put the kitten down and a new patient fee and an emergency fee since I didn't make an appointment. I explained in tears that I had no money and it was just a tiny kitten and wouldn't take much. The kitten was crying and I knew she could hear it but she said no anyway. I said a couple choice words and hung up bawling. I don't want to even think about how long the three of us cried before he went silent. He laid there breathing lightly for hours before the little guy finally gave up. It was heart wrenching. Of course I was home alone, of course I had no one to turn to. For one brief second I wanted to be shot. The terror that this could be my fault, like everything else I'm accused of.
The panic attacks are getting worse. The pain is getting worse. Its been almost two months since I've been to the hospital but that doesn't change the fact that every other morning I wake up in so much pain its like fighting for my life to get through it. Some days all I want to do is eat everything in site. Then for a week I have no appetite whatsoever and just smelling the food I cook for my man causes me to feel nauseous. I have a hard time falling asleep. I have a hard time staying awake. I'm dripping with sweat but so cold I'm shaking. The pressure is pushing me into the ground. I have the desire to work, but no strength to accomplish it with. I cant concentrate on anything yet my mind is always full. I cant stop thinking about everything yet my mind is so blank. I know that's contradictory.
Its so hard to keep caring. Especially when it doesn't matter. No matter how much I care, no matter how much I give. I get nothing in return. I don't even have a best friend to lean on.
I hate the fact that I sit alone on nites when Ryan's working and fight as hard as I can to keep control of my emotions and have no one to call. And yea there's people out there that tell me they're there for me. But never when I need them. Whats the point in even trying to have real friends anymore? No one can help me, Ive lost so much faith these past three years. Not to mention everything else I've managed to lose.
Praying gets me nowhere and I don't fit into any church I try. My days roll together without ever changing. I'm still waiting on disability and food stamps. So worried about losing our wonderful home. Or car. Or anything.
My poor man is so stressed out from taking care of me when I'm sick, working all the time, and never having enough money for anything. I feel for him I really do. But this isn't my fault and I have to tell myself that everyday. The guilt that's building up inside of me for ruining so many things for us is bringing me down more and more as time goes on.
With Christmas fast approaching I don't even know what to do. Its my all time favorite holiday and I love celebrating with all my loved ones. I ruined last Christmas by being in the hospital. I longed for this Christmas to be able to make up for it. But I have no money to buy my family gifts and that breaks my heart. I want our first Christmas in our home to be wonderful.
The time I spend with Ryan's son brings so much light into my life. But I cant help feeling sad. He should be here playing with his little brother. No one, And I mean no one understands how hard it is for me. The fear that someone else was able to give him a son because I may never be able to breaks my heart in a million new pieces. Yet Jake's mother means so much to me, she is a wonderful person and I am so lucky that she is such an understanding and caring person. The Mother in me is begging to come out. I long for a child more than anything in this world. And my 3 beautiful children have all been cruelly taken from me. I could keep asking why. But I never get an answer. I know I have never done anything terrible enough to deserve to be punished like this. And don't tell me it wasn't the right time, If it wasn't the right time why did I get pregnant at all?
Ryan and I are struggling with our relationship lately. Were both so stressed about money and me being sick and the thousand other little bad things that keep happening. He cant understand what I'm going through and I don't really want him to know how depressed I am. I love him more than anything in this world and long to make him the happiest man alive. But I feel like I'm failing. The insecurities that have burned themselves into my mind keep getting worse. I don't feel good enough. For anything or anyone. I just want to be happy. I never thought that was asking a whole lot. I have to stop now. Holding my head high in hope that next week will bring some good news. Will never stop praying that God will bless me with a child. Ive all ready given him 3 beautiful babies, my turn has to be coming soon.

From the day I found out you were coming my way,
a place opened in my heart for you always to stay.

I remember every move that you made the feeling wonderful and new,
now I think about you everyday with a love so pained yet true.

Your my special angel somewhere in the sky,
yet why you had to leave me I'll always wonder why.

The months I spent in longing impatient to hold you in my arms,
seem so short and sweet as I kept you safe and warm.

I will always cherish the time I held you face to face,
I longed to hear you cry or even take your place.

The perfects shape of your eyes and your sweet little nose,
Black hair your Daddys lips and cute curly toes.

Yes you were perfect my most precious son,
and I know I'll be with you when my time here is done.

My love for you Steven wont lesson with time,
Your with Jesus now but someday you'll be mine.

Two more weeks of school and I am done with my first semester of College! I cant believe how fast it flew by, thank God. I am really excited to transfer somewhere else, now all I have to do is chose somewhere to transfer too. I have decided that I want to go for an associates in communications and also do an online wedding coordination class! Being a wedding planner is always something I have wanted to do, and I don’t know why I have put it off for this long. But everything is going to change now. I think that if I am going to school somewhere that I enjoy, I will do better in my classes. I might actually care about my grades this time around.
This week was so boring. I think I was home alone every single day after school with nothing to do. Wait I lied, Tuesday night Jesse came over for a while after work and hung out with me but I was so tired I couldn't have been very much fun. Other than that its been dull and boring. At least it went by fast and its over. I keep wanting this time to go by so fast so I can be out of school, but then I realize that the faster the time goes the sooner the time will come when Jesse has to leave………I don’t think its really sunk in yet. I know he is leaving, but it doesn’t seem real to me.
He is leaving on December 23rd to go to Alabama to start his officer training through the Air Force. Once he graduates from that in late February, he then goes to school to learn how to fly helicopters! I am so happy for him, but I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. He will be gone for over a year and a half. He keeps trying to make it so it doesn’t sound that bad, he tells me I can come visit whenever I want after April, and I get to see him at this graduation in February. But its still going to be so hard! Not being able to talk to him for the 1st 8 weeks…..I honestly don’t know how I will be able to take it.
So I really need a job, I've been looking for one that doesn’t involve food or being nice to people all day….and yeah there is pretty much no such thing. So I guess I have to suck it up and try to become a nicer person. I also need to figure out where I’m supposed to live! There is no way on earth I could move back home, I love you mom, but oh my gosh I could not deal with all the drama and children again. And I feel so guilty living where I am right now. I feel like I am being given everything and I am selfishly taking it with nothing to give in return. I don’t know what to do! I didn’t really realize how confused I was until just now when I actually thought about it and wrote it out. Wow, maybe this blog is good for something.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Making new and remembering old memories.


This week has passed pretty uneventfully, which I am grateful for. Day light savings has failed to deliver, It has saved me no daylight and I can barely crawl through the day without falling asleep. I hate that its dark so early, It makes me want to go to bed at like 5:30pm

I gave up drinking soda as of Wednesday. I have wanted to for a long time but I just love it so much. So I Googled it and after reading how terrible it is for you and how much weight you can lose simply by not drinking it, I finally decided it was time. So far It has been 5 days and I have lost 4lbs. Definitely worth it. I am not a believer of completely cutting things out though so I have decided I will allow myself one soda a week. Life just wouldn't be as pleasurable with a delicious Dr Pepper every once in a while.

I have been in such a reminiscent mood lately. I was talking to Naomi about friends from camp and it just opened a whole flood gate of memory's. Its crazy how people that you meet and know for that one week at summer camp somehow remain your friends in your heart and mind even though you most likely will never see them again. The weird thing is my first year of camp I didn't really connect with anyone until I went home. And even weirder was it was with boys. Kyle and Jeremy, who I don't think I said more then two words to while at camp. But when I got home and e-mailed everyone who had been in my group they were the two who answered. We could have just e-mailed, but instead wrote some handwritten letters just for fun, but both of their last letters I received had no return address's on them and I didn't have them written anywhere, all I know is they both lived in New York. Its weird cause they probably don't remember me at all, and I still think of them and send little prayers out for them.
I guess I spend allot of time thinking about the people I used to know. I'm scared I wont ever be able to be friends with anyone ever again cause they don't know where I came from or who I am. How do you fill someone in on a lifetime of events? It makes me hope my kids are able to make great friends that they can keep forever.

Naomi had her 19th birthday this week. Its weird to me cause I remember so clearly the night she was born. I was 5 after all so I supposed if I didn't remember it would be a problem. It was my moms first home birth and there were tons of people there. It lasted like 2 days and when she was finally born everyone freaked out thinking my mom was hemorrhaging and the ambulance and police all showed up at the house. Joey, Leah, Daniel and I were all supposed to be in bed sleeping, but I, ever the night owl was wide awake and interested in the whole shebang. So they take my mom and Naomi to the hospital and I get up and my dad ends up taking me with him. I thought I was so lucky to get to go cause a nurse gave me graham crackers and apple juice and it was way past my bed time. I don't even remember seeing Naomi or being concerned about where she was. I must have fallen asleep on the way home or at the hospital cause all I remember was the next day my mom came home with Naomi, and man was she ugly. She was the reddest little baby and always had the most bored expression. That's pretty much the extenst of my memory's of her til she was at least 1 1/2 or 2... so she must not have left much of an impression. I do however remember her always saying "NO" that's all she ever said til she like 5. j/k, but really she always would say "no no no no" and for some reason we all thought it was so cute. I never ever would have guessed we would get along or be close at all.
It's so hard being far away during times like holidays and birthdays and such things. I wonder sometimes if my family will ever live closer. I honestly don't think it will ever happen, I also honestly don't know how I would feel if they sold the home and land where I have so many amazing memory's. Its a catch 21 with no east way out. I miss everyone so bad though. And I hate my kids growing up without their many Aunts and Uncles around. And of course their Grandma :)

I guess that's all I have for this week. Like I said, uneventful.


I got writers block this week. Not that I didn't have anything to write about. More like I didn't know how to write it. But for real, lets talk about some good things first. I got to go trick or treating for the first time in my life this year! I went with Ryan's son Jake and his Mother and it was so much fun to watch the kids. Jake ran across everyone's yard yelling what kind of candy he got. He said "twick o teet" and "Thank you" at every house. I am so blessed that I get to be a part of his life.Other good news. A very close, very longtime friend Kat came over to see me for the first time in a long time the other day. She brought her 2 1/2 week old son with her. It was the first time I've held a newborn baby since I held Steven and it was such a bittersweet experience. He's a beautiful baby and I am glad that I am able to be happy for my friends who are having children instead of jealous like I felt at first. It was also so good to catch up with my dear friend for we really have been through a lot together. And yet another first for me, I went with my Mother and sister Naomi on her birthday to a beauty academy and my dear mom treated us to pedicures! It was heaven and my feet feel and smell so good:) I wish Rachel had been able to be there but the lil mama's a busy woman out there in Cali with my two niece's and my nephew. Not gonna lie I am jealous of her. Its like God blessed her with my dream life. A young married mother of a beautiful family. Sometime's I cant help but feel cheated. Sometime's I don't think I can go one more day without Steven. I cant believe that in less than 3 months it will be two years since that dreadful precious day. I will always miss him in a way that I could never explain. You never get over the pain of losing a child, you just get used to living with it. I cant wait to start a family with Ryan. It's all I think about. I cant even imagine the joy it will bring me when I hear my baby cry for the first time! But I must wait. We HAVE to get my health problems figured out. I have to be able to go back to work. And after all this time of scraping by who knows how long it will be before are financially stable enough to try again. My life has not turned out at all like I thought it would, but every one keeps telling me I'm young and to be patient..... A virtue I wasn't blessed with.

I lost two very very special people this month. My moms mother, Cookie grandma, passed away after just one month of struggling with cancer. It was so hard to call and say goodbye to her. She didn't sound like the fun bouncy Grandma who to took me all over San Francisco and gave me experiences I never would have gotten. She has never professed to loving the Lord in anyway but on our last phone call just the day before she died I said to her "Grandma Ive been praying for you" and she replied "You don't need to anymore hunnie, I know your Steven is in Heaven and I'm going to take care of him till you get there." I pray with all I have that she was being sincere. Also, Jim the owner of the horse farm I had worked at. Whom I loved more than most people love their Grandparents, passed away after years and years of sickness and pain. It was so hard to lose him. But I pray he has gone to a better place as well and will never feel pain again. He meant so so much to me I cant bear the pain of never seeing him again.We've also lost 5 horses at the farm this year, one of whom was a very special mare to me. I remember the day she was born 5 years ago and how beautiful she was.
I feel so sad for my poor Mother who has had to deal with these things allot more up close than I've had to. She is such a strong woman and I would do anything to make her smile. Random news, My wonderful cat Raina had four of the most adorable kittens and I'm in love with them already. I have to sell them all though :( Were hurtin for money hardcore. I'm getting so worried with Christmas coming up. I love that holiday and want to make it wonderful for everyone. It's our first Christmas in our first home! I don't know how I could live without Ryan these days. Hes so great to me and takes such good care of me. He always find some way to make me smile even when I feel like I'll never smile again. I miss him like crazy when he's at work, and when he finally walks through the door its the highlight of my day. I've probably written enough for the day, so I'll leave you with this, Family is the most important thing in the entire world. Both mine and Ryan's families mean so much and I appreciate all every one has done for me.


This week was SO good. I didn’t want it to end. Monday was just a normal boring day, but what can you expect from a Monday.
Tuesday I just had one class in the morning then I headed to Battle Creek to hang out with Leah. We just sat around her house all afternoon watching old reruns of the OC. A little later that night, Joey, our oldest brother, came over to Leah’s to see her new house. After he was there for a few minutes we decided to go get something to eat. Joey treated us to Chinese food and It was so delicious.
Tuesday night when I got home I was talking on the phone to Jesse when I was reminded that the next day was our 6 month anniversary!!!! WOW. It went by so fast I cant even believe it.
SO we made some plans to hang out on Wednesday night. Wednesday morning I woke up smiling, I'm not even joking either. I got ready and headed to school. On my way home from school I was thinking of something special I could do for our anniversary. I have no idea why I thought of this but I really wanted to TRY and make dinner for us. If you remember from my previous post…I CANNOT COOK! But I wanted a challenge and it sounded like a fun experiment. So I called Jesse and ran my idea by him, he sounded extremely nervous but he agreed to give me a chance! I went to the grocery store and got stuff to make company chicken, which is amazingly delicious chicken breast rolled in crushed rits crackers, and covered in cream of mushroom soup then baked, corn, biscuits and brownies! Boxed of course. I headed to Jesse's house to start dinner so it could be done and ready by the time he got home from work.
I was a little nervous but everything turned out nearly perfect! Nothing was burnt or inedible so I was very happy!!!!! I heard the door open and I turn to see Jesse walking up the stairs with his arms behind his back and a big smile on his face, from behind his back he pulled out a gorgeous bouquet of pink roses (my favorite) and an adorable card. I was SO surprised and happy I might have cried, just a little bit.
We set the table and sat down and had a wonderful dinner. After dinner we had milk and brownies and watched a movie. It was a great day.
Thursday was just another day, school, homework, sleep.
Finally it was FRIDAY! My 19th Birthday. I had one class and then I headed to Leah’s again, we got dressed up all cute then went to meet my mom and our neighbors Sherri, and Holly for pedicures! It was amazing!!!! After that we went to Panera Bread for lunch, I had a brocolli cheese soup bread bowl and it was SO good!!!! After an hour of sitting there, eating and talking we headed out for shopping. Shopping with my mom never lasts very long so we were out of there pretty quick. I took Leah home, went and got some iced coffee with my mama and then dropped her off and at home to go to Jesse's so we could go back into town for dinner!!! Well, once I got there I walked in and sat on the couch next to him, it wasn’t until then that I realized how tired I was and that I wasn’t hungry at all! I actually felt sort of sick. He didn’t mind, we just grabbed a blanket and some movies and stayed in.
Saturday during the day I didn’t do much, just hung out pretty much all day until around 4 when I went to the grocery store with my mom and some little kids. We got stuff to make dinner and headed home. Leah came for dinner, after that I decided I was bored and went home with Leah, we got ready and went…out. It was……an experience I wish I could forget.
Later that night Jesse called, he was heading home from his little “boys night”, so I gathered my things and headed out to his house.
It was such a gorgeous night, not to cold, and clear gorgeous skies. We decided to get into the hot tub for a while, it was the perfect night for it. As we sat there just talking and laughing, everything got quiet, we stared into each other eyes for a very long moment, then he laid his head down on my shoulder and slowly lifted his lips to my ear and whispered…I Love You!!!!!! that’s the first time he has ever said it to me, he waited 6 months! I am so happy he waited because I feel like it meant so much more. That was a night I will never forget!!!!!
WOW this whole week and weekend was amazing and unforgettable. I am so happy with my life right now I cant even begin to explain. Hopefully next week is half as good as last week!!!!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I am 23, the oldest of us girls, and this was my idea. I cant tell you how many times I have called someone up and said "I have a great idea"
and its true, they usually are great. But I rarely carry them through. I'm sure if you asked my mom all the times I said this to her when I was living at home she would just laugh. My mom has the best laugh. My mom is the most amazing women in the world, and someday I hope she writes a documentary. THAT would be an amazing story. My dad on the other hand, is an addict. And while I am one of the lucky ones who is able to remember before he lost his mind, it almost makes it harder to see him how he is now. I will leave all that to my moms book though :)
See, another great idea by me. However, that's one idea I cannot make happen. I can help though.
I guess ultimately I am better at thinking the ideas up then actually planning them out.
Thankfully I'm perfectly balanced by Ryan, my husband, who is the ultimate planner.
We have been together since we were both 16 years old, the full story of our relationship is a series in itself but to sum it up we met through my cousins when I came from Michigan to California to visit for a while. It was as close to love at first sight as you realistically get.
I moved to California when I was 18 to be with him. It was the hardest thing moving so far from my family, but I could not be without him anymore. I lived on his parents land for a year and then moved in with my grandma and went to college when I was 19. Like many college kids I did more drinking then learning. Finally Ryan came down one day and demanded I either go home with him or never see him again, I threw my stuff into a couple boxes and left. That was the smartest thing I had done all year. It was hard working through all the pain and destruction I had caused through my time at college, but somehow our true love pulled us through. We found out we were expecting a baby in July of 2006, neither of us were shocked or surprised. We finally got married after five years together on October 28th, 2006. And our precious baby girl Amelia Ryan was born April 14th, 2007. Ryan left when our baby was six weeks old to go to a training academy for a new job, and when he got home 18 weeks later we packed up and moved from Northern California to the heart of the desert in Southern California. A month after we moved there we found out we were expecting again and Ezra Robert was born on August 27th 2008. Four months later and much to our surprise we found out we had a third baby on the way. I have to admit I have never been less excited. I felt like Ezra never had a chance to be my baby, and I felt so horrible about myself cause I was more concerned with my body then the child it was carrying. After the hardest pregnancy I have had, buying a house and moving at 8 months pregnant, and then celebrating my baby's 1st birthday, my little Ivy Madelyn was born on Sep 8th, 2009. These are the craziest days of my life right now, I'm up by 6:45am and to bed by about 11:00pm I love my children with my entire being and would do anything for them. But being a stay at home mom definitely has its highs and lows. There are days I feel like a cyborg mom, just doing my job and nothing else. No accomplishments are made through the day, its just the same thing day after day after day. My weeks run together like spilled paint and I'm often surprised when someone says what day of the week it is cause I usually have no idea! I realize its a blessing that my husband has such a great job and I am able to stay home with my baby's instead of pass them on to someone else, I realize I am blessed to even HAVE baby's! Its just hard when I have nothing in life I look forward to, I have nothing that is MINE to do, no hobby's or even friends to talk too. And even if I did have friends, I feel like I'm not aloud to complain about how I'm feeling. I feel like I will be looked down upon to express my unhappiness at this season of life. I have everything people wish for. But it doesn't mean I dont need a break. I need something unbaby related to help me feel like a human being instead of a robotic Stepford wife. This is just the kind of thing I could never try to explain to my husband. He would never understand and probably just get his feelings hurt. Its nothing he can control. We wanted a family, and we wanted for me to be able to stay home. That's what we WANTED! I just never knew I would end up feeling so insignificant. I am Rachel, and I'm a stay at home mom.


I'm Leah, I'm 22, I'm the 3rd oldest of 11 children. I love my 7 brothers and 3 sisters more than I can explain. My Mother means the world to me. She has been there for me through the hardest times of my life. My Father I used to respect. I still love him. But I love the dad he used to be. Not the drug addicted asshole he is now. I was born in Santa Rosa California and my family moved 10 times by my 8'th birthday. Ending up in a log home that we built on 16 acres in Delton Michigan. Those 8 previous years are a blurr of wonderful and not so wonderful memories. Living in other peoples basements was never fun. Skipping Christmas isnt my favorite memory either. But all in all it was a happy childhood. Unfortunately, Thats where my childhood ended. I went through some real bad shit and grew up way before my time. I was homeschooled my whole life and thank God for it. Church was a huge part of my life for a long time and I remember getting on my knees when I was six and asking Jesus into my heart. All I really wanted out of life was to grow up and have babies, but horses were another huge thing to me and I was 14 when I started working for a wonderful man at an Arabian horse farm. He became more like a grandparent to me and Im so grateful for the opportunities he gave me. In the fall of my 16'th year I met who I thought was the love of my life. We were married just 3 days after I turned 17. We moved to Grand Rapids and were so happy and couldnt wait to start a life and family together. But 2 years, 2 pregnancies, 2 graves, lots of porn and some cheating later.... We decided to split up. And then thanks to immaturity, alcohal, dumb bitches and hiding from the cops, I moved back to Delton with my parents. And I rebelled. Within 3 months I had 11 peircings, 2 tattoos, hair was short and black as I could get it and I had numerous boyfriends. Yeah I was cool... NOT. I had gotten a job at a huge resteraunt as a waitress and started hanging out with this guy Ryan, who worked in the kitchen. He had just had a baby with one girl and was living with another. So obviously I got attatched. After some drama at home then drama with roommates I got my own place. Ryan finally asked me to be his girlfriend and I was lovin life. Then I got pregnant. And Ryan didnt want me to be. I was alone and miserable for three months, sleeping on the bathroom floor to sick to get myself a drink of water. I developed a blood clot in my uterus and was forced to quit work. With no income and no car thanks to a hit and run driver I had no choice but to move in with Ryan and his "friend". I hadnt been there a week before this friend of his told me everything I never wanted to know. Like that my boyfriend had been cheating on me right up till I got pregnant....With Her. I will not go into the stress and pain my two new roommates put me through during those months, the things that were said, done and not done hurt me more than anyones ever hurt me. Finally in January of 08 Ryan started changing, taking interest in the baby and when he told me he loved me for the first time I'd never been happier. As for me, though madly inlove with Ryan I lived and breathed for my child alone. I thought of him every second of every day. My last Dr.'s apt. was Jan 28 and I was told everything was great and I could have the little guy anytime. After months and months of feeling him move everyday suddenly there was nothing. Dont worry they said, its normal. But I did worry. So we went into the hospital. And there was no heartbeat.No words can describe my heart shattering pain, nor the broken look on Ryans face. The next 24 hours were worse than even Hell could be. Ryan stood by my side and was so so amazing through it all. He was my rock. My Mother who delivered my beautiful son herself meant so much to me during that time as well. The terrible physical pain I went through for hours and hours was nothing to the torture it was to be handed my son and not even be able to hear him cry. Thats all I wanted. Was to hear him cry. Holding him and watching Ryan hold him are the most painfully precious memories I have. We named our Son Steven James. He was born on February 3'rd 2008 and buried on February 8'th. The days between his birth and funeral I only have partial memory of. I know I took more drugs than I was supposed to and I know I cried more than I ever thought I could. The day of his funeral I could have sworn I had died and they were burying me in that tiny grave. Without my Mother and Ryan I may have died. It seemed so cruel to me that my older sister and old best friend both were having healthy happy babies. And my precious precious child had to taste death before even drawing a breath. I went back to work as soon as I could but then... I started getting sick. And I kept getting sick. That year after I had Steven was just as bad as the year before. Ryan fell into his old ways and living with him and his "best friend" made me even sicker. I wont talk much about it. But I feel like a part of me will always hate a part of them. Ryan and I managed to work things out in our relationship and were finally inlove. After a lot of hassle and stress and help from his parents we bought our own house and moved in on my 22nd birthday June 23 2009. Our relationship now is wonderful and I have never felt so secure or loved. He means the world to me. But as for my illness. Its trying to ruin my life. At least once a month I get sick, uncontrollable vomiting, sever stomach pain, dehydration and pottassium loss, seizures. Its crazy. And the Dr.'s have no idea why its happenning. Ryan takes the best care of me when Im sick but nothing helps. I feel like Im dying and no one can tell me why. I have been to the hospital more than 30 times in the last year and a half. All in all Ive lost 25 lbs. I was put on sick leave and cannot work. I have no money. No friends. No life outside my home and Man. And I miss my son more and more as everyday goes by. Im in love and happy with my relationship, My family still means the world to me, I still love God, I try and be posotive.... But Im miserable.


Growing up I was always known as the Drama Queen, the center of attention, the…annoying spoiled brat little sister. Well not much is changed there!
I’m the youngest of us three girls, and I act like it too. Growing up I got lucky, while my mom tested all her theories and rules on Rachel and Leah, by the time they got passed down to me they were already tossed out the window, I never had to deal with any strict rules or dress codes like they did, im just the lucky one of the bunch I supposeJ even when it came to things like chores, I don’t even remember having to feed the animals, do the dishes COOK ANYTHING(that ones biting me in the butt now) or clean anything.
Yessss I was spoiled, and still maybe am…just a little bit. Iv never had to work for anything in my life, its all been graciously given to me, THANKS MOMJ
I was home schooled until I was in 8th grade when I finally convinced my mom to let me have a chance at a normal life. I hated being home schooled more than I can explain, I feel like I was being cheated out of life and hidden away from the real world. In 9th grade I started attending Barry county Christian school, I loved every second of it. I made friends and memories that will stay with me forever.
My friends are some of the most important people in my life. My two best friends in the whole world are Annie Hammond and Casey Ramsey. I don’t remember ever meeting Annie iv just always known her. We grew up together and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I met Casey in 8th grade when my family changed churches. Casey and I spent every minute we could together, we laughed together and cried together she is the only person in this world that knows everything about me. Casey is 19 now and pregnant with twins! She is due in January and expecting one boy and one girl. I couldn’t be happier for her. I never thought anything like this would happen, not only Casey but also two other of my close friends are due in January as well!! AND last year two more of my very close friends gave birth to beautiful children!! I feel kind of left out…NOT!
My mother is the best one there is! Not only is she amazing at everything she does, she is also a brilliant, fun, gorgeous women. She’s in love with animals, which was never really my big thing but I have to thank her for it, if it wasn’t for her and her animals I would have never met my amazing boyfriend Jesse. Haha okay I know that sounds bad, but its not what you think. My mom breeds and sells cats and Jesse bought one! He picked it up when I wasn’t home, but he took my moms cat kennel with him. As the oldest at home at that time I was always running errands for my mom, I never thought I would run a pointless errand that would change my life as much as this one did. After a rough day my mom asked me to go pick up the kennel from his house, I was exhausted and dirty from my long day, I complained a little bit but finally agreed to go, after tying my hair onto the top of my head and throwing on an old grubby hoody I headed out. I got to his house and was a little blown away at my behavior, he opened the door and I ran inside without even saying hello….he had a fish tank that caught my eyeJ We have been together for seven months now and still going strong!!
As of now I am living with Jesses parents in Bellevue MI while I’m attending school at Olivet College. I hate it! But im almost done with my first semester so I can make some changes. I am still young and I have my whole life ahead of me to figure out my goals and dreams.