Monday, November 23, 2009

New Moon and the Holidays begin

For as quickly as last week was, this week made up for by dragging at snail pace. It was eventful in its own way. No real catastrophes but still enough action to leave me exhausted by the end of the day. And so it goes with toddlers in your house. I had some enlightening moments though, which were very overdue! I really love this time of year and I want my kids to love it too. I cant wait to start baking and shopping and decorating. I have really been trying to be more patient with the kids and trying to not stress out about anything unworthy of my stress. It seems to be working out ok. Ivy is in full smiling cooing mode now so that helps me feel a little better. You just feel so unloved when your baby only cries for you and then eats and go back to sleep. A little smile in between there is a great pick me up. I got to go see my first movie in years on Friday. The Twilight Saga's "New Moon" It was AMAAAAAAZZING! I absolutely loved every second of it. Its the first time ever a movie was made from a fantastic book without totally sucking and leaving important things out. Wow I want to see it again.
We had a trip planned to drive up to see Ryan's family for thanksgiving week. I had reserved a rental car about a week and a half earlier and later Friday night we went to pick it up only to find that Ryan's card had expired like a week ago. And they couldn't let us rent it without a major credit card. So that was fun. We had to scramble around at like 9pm and try and find someone who would let us use their card, and they had to be present at the time of the renting procedure. Well we did find someone but by the time we got the car it was like 11:00pm so I was trying to get everything put in the car and transfer car seats and take a shower and all that stuff. Kids come with so much luggage! Ezra has been teething all weekend so he kept waking up screaming and I had to lay with him off and on all day and night, poor little boy is getting four molars! He has a fever and wont eat anything he has to bite. So the drive was awesome to say the least. He cried like the entire time. Its so cold here! My poor desert babies are not used to this extreme weather. I mean really its like 50 degrees but we not used to seeing anything below 65! They have a huge german shepherd dog who Amelia just loves. She was outside with him earlier and I was spying on her talking to him, she was sitting there petting his nose saying "better not eat me Max, better not"
I know it lame but thats about it for this week. Alot happened in between the lines but unless anything more comes of it I am going to leave it unsaid. Until next week!


I dont know that I even want to talk to much about this week. I lost all three of my kittens. One by one no matter what I did for them they died off. I am so so upset about this its got me crying all the time. I wont even go into detail about what happened. But it was terrible.
Lets focus on good things. I FiNaLlY got my food stamp and disability money. Its not much. But its enough to help us out right now. Im babysitting for a few good friends and am able to do a few side jobs. So things are finally looking up financially. I never thought paying bills would feel so good. With lots of food in the house again Im trying to gain my weight back. Yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal, 2 yoplait whip yogurts, a ham sandwhich and chips, 2 toaster strudels, half of a calzone and a bowl of ice cream. Wasn't a very productive day but I got alot of reading done:)
I have decided that this Christmas WILL BE wonderful! I am taking my department store credit cards and buying the people I love presents and am not even going to worry about how long it takes me to pay it off. I cant wait till Thanksgiving, partly because were going to my parent this year and I am so so excited and hungry just thing about it. And partly because I get to decorate the house for Christmas the day after! I'm getting a real tree and can smell it all ready. I have alot of good Christmas memories and some bad. But I do always remember Rachel being the one who picked out our tree every year. And it was always beautiful.
I've been a total klutz this week. I spill and drop everything and I fell down our stairs for the first time. It reminds me of how bad I was when I was younger. I got my first bloody nose by opening the refrigerator door. And speaking of doors I managed to get my tongue closed in one once. Or the time I was clothes lined while running my pony. Stepping off the side of the stairs and getting a concussion. Having a horse fall on me and getting staples in my head as the result. I think those are all the favorites but trust me there's more. Just yesterday I sliced my finger wide open cutting lemons....
I guess my life is pretty boring right now. Maybe next week I'll be more insightful.

Iv been having so much fun lately. It doesn’t even matter what I’m doing, I’m in a constant good mood and I enjoy pretty much anything I do. Except school of course, but its almost over….one more week! I have this next week off for thanksgiving break, then I go back and take exams and then its over….wow.
My weeks never have anything interesting to talk about so I usually skip them and talk all about my wonderful weekendsJ
I didn’t have school on Friday so I went home on Thursday night. I convinced Jesse to skip work on Friday so we could spend the day together…haha it was…interesting. We drove to grand rapids to look at a truck that he wants to buy his dad for Christmas, it was…not my idea of a fun day together, but it ended up being really fun! We always have fun on our little road trips. The rest of the night Friday we just hang out, talked, watched movies…the norm.
Saturday morning I had to go back to school for a choir rehearsal..... boring. After it finally ended, I headed back home for about 5 minutes, then over to Jesses….again. We cleaned his whole house! It was fun, I love cleaning other peoples houses.
Saturday afternoon I headed over to one of my best friends, Casey's house. She is due in February with twins, one boy and one girl. She had her baby shower. It was pretty fun, I lost all of the games. People would think that I would win, and be really smart about baby stuff because of my big family and midwife mother, but the truth is….IM NOT. I held a baby earlier this week…it was awkward.
I felt bad, but I couldn’t wait for the shower to be over….not just because I wanted to get out of the room filled with chicks, but because tonight Jesse and I were going to see NEW MOON.
We got to the theatre at 730, haha to our surprise, on the 3rd night of its showings… 3 different theatres the 730, 8, 840 and 9 o clock shows were all sold out. We bought tickets for the 9:40 show and headed out to the mall to kill some time.
We got some dinner at Applebee’s and wondered around the mall looking for the boots I want…no luck there.
The time actually flew by and before we knew it the movies was starting….it was the best 2 hours of my life. I’m scared to talk about it because I don’t want to sound like an obsessed freak, but truthfully, that’s really what I am.
The rest of the weekend was blah compared to that Saturday night, we got some pizza, watched some movies and just hung out.
I was back in Bellevue and ready to settle down and go to bed when I realized that my homework and book bag with my papers that were due Monday morning were missing…awesome. Just my luck, I had to get up and drive back to my mothers and get my stuff. I ended up just staying and getting up extra early to drive to school Monday morning.
I love every second I spend the Jesse and it kills me to think that in exactly one month today, he will be gone.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

When do you break?

Wow this week flew by for some reason. It has been a pretty hard week even though it was fast. I don't even really remember Monday, which is typical for Monday. But I don't think I could ever forget Tuesday if I wanted too. Ezra took his diaper off and pooped all over the floor, then played in it a little and even decided to taste some. He walked out of the office with poop from his head to his toes. After I threw him in the sink and scrubbed him down I got to hunt down his diaper and try and scrub poop out of the carpet. No matter how you clean it, it never seems efficient. Its poop for crying out loud. That pretty much ruined my mood for the rest of the day. Hard thing to come back from.
Wednesday we had another little mishap, but thankfully it was a little tastier. I came down stairs from changing over a load of laundry and peeked in the living room to make sure the kids were still all there. Ezra was on sitting on the floor watching Little Bear, Ivy was sleeping in her bouncer, and Amelia....? Where is she? Oh... there she is, in Ivy's swing, covered in peanut butter. I repeat..... PEANUT BUTTER!
You really don't realize how oily peanut butter is until you try to wash it off a 2 year old. Of course it was a step up from poop. But seriously? THAT made me HAPPY? The fact that its peanut butter instead of poop. Yes, that was the highlight of the situation. *sigh*
Other things happened, spills and messes, fights and crying, lots of mud but nothing really worth mentioning.
I have felt so lonely this week. Like I'm lost inside this beautiful house and nobody outside of it knows or cares about me.
I feel like I'm in a constant pity party for myself and I hate that. I want so badly to find a church, but at the same time it seems pointless since I will inevidably just end up in the nursery anyway. The truth is, I read my bible, and I pray constantly. The reason I want a church is so I can meet people and have a church family, you dont realize how important they is until you dont have it anymore.
I could feel it coming this week. Like a cold blanket of depression wrapping itself around me. My world seems to be falling apart and I cant even find all the pieces to put it back together. Saturday though, was the worst. I had noticed one of my cats three week old kittens was not growing as fast as the others, and he couldn't use his back legs very well. The past few days I had spent alot of time by the box holding two of the fatter kittens to try and get the little one to nurse. He just wouldn't/couldn't and pretty soon Raina would guide him to the corner away from the other kittens. She knew what I refused to believe. So that day I couldn't get him to nurse at all. He started crying. It was the most heartbreaking sound I've heard in a long time and I immediately started sobbing along with him. Raina cried every time the baby did and that made it worse. I called the vet and told them what was going on and the lady just went on about how there's a fee to put the kitten down and a new patient fee and an emergency fee since I didn't make an appointment. I explained in tears that I had no money and it was just a tiny kitten and wouldn't take much. The kitten was crying and I knew she could hear it but she said no anyway. I said a couple choice words and hung up bawling. I don't want to even think about how long the three of us cried before he went silent. He laid there breathing lightly for hours before the little guy finally gave up. It was heart wrenching. Of course I was home alone, of course I had no one to turn to. For one brief second I wanted to be shot. The terror that this could be my fault, like everything else I'm accused of.
The panic attacks are getting worse. The pain is getting worse. Its been almost two months since I've been to the hospital but that doesn't change the fact that every other morning I wake up in so much pain its like fighting for my life to get through it. Some days all I want to do is eat everything in site. Then for a week I have no appetite whatsoever and just smelling the food I cook for my man causes me to feel nauseous. I have a hard time falling asleep. I have a hard time staying awake. I'm dripping with sweat but so cold I'm shaking. The pressure is pushing me into the ground. I have the desire to work, but no strength to accomplish it with. I cant concentrate on anything yet my mind is always full. I cant stop thinking about everything yet my mind is so blank. I know that's contradictory.
Its so hard to keep caring. Especially when it doesn't matter. No matter how much I care, no matter how much I give. I get nothing in return. I don't even have a best friend to lean on.
I hate the fact that I sit alone on nites when Ryan's working and fight as hard as I can to keep control of my emotions and have no one to call. And yea there's people out there that tell me they're there for me. But never when I need them. Whats the point in even trying to have real friends anymore? No one can help me, Ive lost so much faith these past three years. Not to mention everything else I've managed to lose.
Praying gets me nowhere and I don't fit into any church I try. My days roll together without ever changing. I'm still waiting on disability and food stamps. So worried about losing our wonderful home. Or car. Or anything.
My poor man is so stressed out from taking care of me when I'm sick, working all the time, and never having enough money for anything. I feel for him I really do. But this isn't my fault and I have to tell myself that everyday. The guilt that's building up inside of me for ruining so many things for us is bringing me down more and more as time goes on.
With Christmas fast approaching I don't even know what to do. Its my all time favorite holiday and I love celebrating with all my loved ones. I ruined last Christmas by being in the hospital. I longed for this Christmas to be able to make up for it. But I have no money to buy my family gifts and that breaks my heart. I want our first Christmas in our home to be wonderful.
The time I spend with Ryan's son brings so much light into my life. But I cant help feeling sad. He should be here playing with his little brother. No one, And I mean no one understands how hard it is for me. The fear that someone else was able to give him a son because I may never be able to breaks my heart in a million new pieces. Yet Jake's mother means so much to me, she is a wonderful person and I am so lucky that she is such an understanding and caring person. The Mother in me is begging to come out. I long for a child more than anything in this world. And my 3 beautiful children have all been cruelly taken from me. I could keep asking why. But I never get an answer. I know I have never done anything terrible enough to deserve to be punished like this. And don't tell me it wasn't the right time, If it wasn't the right time why did I get pregnant at all?
Ryan and I are struggling with our relationship lately. Were both so stressed about money and me being sick and the thousand other little bad things that keep happening. He cant understand what I'm going through and I don't really want him to know how depressed I am. I love him more than anything in this world and long to make him the happiest man alive. But I feel like I'm failing. The insecurities that have burned themselves into my mind keep getting worse. I don't feel good enough. For anything or anyone. I just want to be happy. I never thought that was asking a whole lot. I have to stop now. Holding my head high in hope that next week will bring some good news. Will never stop praying that God will bless me with a child. Ive all ready given him 3 beautiful babies, my turn has to be coming soon.

From the day I found out you were coming my way,
a place opened in my heart for you always to stay.

I remember every move that you made the feeling wonderful and new,
now I think about you everyday with a love so pained yet true.

Your my special angel somewhere in the sky,
yet why you had to leave me I'll always wonder why.

The months I spent in longing impatient to hold you in my arms,
seem so short and sweet as I kept you safe and warm.

I will always cherish the time I held you face to face,
I longed to hear you cry or even take your place.

The perfects shape of your eyes and your sweet little nose,
Black hair your Daddys lips and cute curly toes.

Yes you were perfect my most precious son,
and I know I'll be with you when my time here is done.

My love for you Steven wont lesson with time,
Your with Jesus now but someday you'll be mine.

Two more weeks of school and I am done with my first semester of College! I cant believe how fast it flew by, thank God. I am really excited to transfer somewhere else, now all I have to do is chose somewhere to transfer too. I have decided that I want to go for an associates in communications and also do an online wedding coordination class! Being a wedding planner is always something I have wanted to do, and I don’t know why I have put it off for this long. But everything is going to change now. I think that if I am going to school somewhere that I enjoy, I will do better in my classes. I might actually care about my grades this time around.
This week was so boring. I think I was home alone every single day after school with nothing to do. Wait I lied, Tuesday night Jesse came over for a while after work and hung out with me but I was so tired I couldn't have been very much fun. Other than that its been dull and boring. At least it went by fast and its over. I keep wanting this time to go by so fast so I can be out of school, but then I realize that the faster the time goes the sooner the time will come when Jesse has to leave………I don’t think its really sunk in yet. I know he is leaving, but it doesn’t seem real to me.
He is leaving on December 23rd to go to Alabama to start his officer training through the Air Force. Once he graduates from that in late February, he then goes to school to learn how to fly helicopters! I am so happy for him, but I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. He will be gone for over a year and a half. He keeps trying to make it so it doesn’t sound that bad, he tells me I can come visit whenever I want after April, and I get to see him at this graduation in February. But its still going to be so hard! Not being able to talk to him for the 1st 8 weeks…..I honestly don’t know how I will be able to take it.
So I really need a job, I've been looking for one that doesn’t involve food or being nice to people all day….and yeah there is pretty much no such thing. So I guess I have to suck it up and try to become a nicer person. I also need to figure out where I’m supposed to live! There is no way on earth I could move back home, I love you mom, but oh my gosh I could not deal with all the drama and children again. And I feel so guilty living where I am right now. I feel like I am being given everything and I am selfishly taking it with nothing to give in return. I don’t know what to do! I didn’t really realize how confused I was until just now when I actually thought about it and wrote it out. Wow, maybe this blog is good for something.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Making new and remembering old memories.


This week has passed pretty uneventfully, which I am grateful for. Day light savings has failed to deliver, It has saved me no daylight and I can barely crawl through the day without falling asleep. I hate that its dark so early, It makes me want to go to bed at like 5:30pm

I gave up drinking soda as of Wednesday. I have wanted to for a long time but I just love it so much. So I Googled it and after reading how terrible it is for you and how much weight you can lose simply by not drinking it, I finally decided it was time. So far It has been 5 days and I have lost 4lbs. Definitely worth it. I am not a believer of completely cutting things out though so I have decided I will allow myself one soda a week. Life just wouldn't be as pleasurable with a delicious Dr Pepper every once in a while.

I have been in such a reminiscent mood lately. I was talking to Naomi about friends from camp and it just opened a whole flood gate of memory's. Its crazy how people that you meet and know for that one week at summer camp somehow remain your friends in your heart and mind even though you most likely will never see them again. The weird thing is my first year of camp I didn't really connect with anyone until I went home. And even weirder was it was with boys. Kyle and Jeremy, who I don't think I said more then two words to while at camp. But when I got home and e-mailed everyone who had been in my group they were the two who answered. We could have just e-mailed, but instead wrote some handwritten letters just for fun, but both of their last letters I received had no return address's on them and I didn't have them written anywhere, all I know is they both lived in New York. Its weird cause they probably don't remember me at all, and I still think of them and send little prayers out for them.
I guess I spend allot of time thinking about the people I used to know. I'm scared I wont ever be able to be friends with anyone ever again cause they don't know where I came from or who I am. How do you fill someone in on a lifetime of events? It makes me hope my kids are able to make great friends that they can keep forever.

Naomi had her 19th birthday this week. Its weird to me cause I remember so clearly the night she was born. I was 5 after all so I supposed if I didn't remember it would be a problem. It was my moms first home birth and there were tons of people there. It lasted like 2 days and when she was finally born everyone freaked out thinking my mom was hemorrhaging and the ambulance and police all showed up at the house. Joey, Leah, Daniel and I were all supposed to be in bed sleeping, but I, ever the night owl was wide awake and interested in the whole shebang. So they take my mom and Naomi to the hospital and I get up and my dad ends up taking me with him. I thought I was so lucky to get to go cause a nurse gave me graham crackers and apple juice and it was way past my bed time. I don't even remember seeing Naomi or being concerned about where she was. I must have fallen asleep on the way home or at the hospital cause all I remember was the next day my mom came home with Naomi, and man was she ugly. She was the reddest little baby and always had the most bored expression. That's pretty much the extenst of my memory's of her til she was at least 1 1/2 or 2... so she must not have left much of an impression. I do however remember her always saying "NO" that's all she ever said til she like 5. j/k, but really she always would say "no no no no" and for some reason we all thought it was so cute. I never ever would have guessed we would get along or be close at all.
It's so hard being far away during times like holidays and birthdays and such things. I wonder sometimes if my family will ever live closer. I honestly don't think it will ever happen, I also honestly don't know how I would feel if they sold the home and land where I have so many amazing memory's. Its a catch 21 with no east way out. I miss everyone so bad though. And I hate my kids growing up without their many Aunts and Uncles around. And of course their Grandma :)

I guess that's all I have for this week. Like I said, uneventful.


I got writers block this week. Not that I didn't have anything to write about. More like I didn't know how to write it. But for real, lets talk about some good things first. I got to go trick or treating for the first time in my life this year! I went with Ryan's son Jake and his Mother and it was so much fun to watch the kids. Jake ran across everyone's yard yelling what kind of candy he got. He said "twick o teet" and "Thank you" at every house. I am so blessed that I get to be a part of his life.Other good news. A very close, very longtime friend Kat came over to see me for the first time in a long time the other day. She brought her 2 1/2 week old son with her. It was the first time I've held a newborn baby since I held Steven and it was such a bittersweet experience. He's a beautiful baby and I am glad that I am able to be happy for my friends who are having children instead of jealous like I felt at first. It was also so good to catch up with my dear friend for we really have been through a lot together. And yet another first for me, I went with my Mother and sister Naomi on her birthday to a beauty academy and my dear mom treated us to pedicures! It was heaven and my feet feel and smell so good:) I wish Rachel had been able to be there but the lil mama's a busy woman out there in Cali with my two niece's and my nephew. Not gonna lie I am jealous of her. Its like God blessed her with my dream life. A young married mother of a beautiful family. Sometime's I cant help but feel cheated. Sometime's I don't think I can go one more day without Steven. I cant believe that in less than 3 months it will be two years since that dreadful precious day. I will always miss him in a way that I could never explain. You never get over the pain of losing a child, you just get used to living with it. I cant wait to start a family with Ryan. It's all I think about. I cant even imagine the joy it will bring me when I hear my baby cry for the first time! But I must wait. We HAVE to get my health problems figured out. I have to be able to go back to work. And after all this time of scraping by who knows how long it will be before are financially stable enough to try again. My life has not turned out at all like I thought it would, but every one keeps telling me I'm young and to be patient..... A virtue I wasn't blessed with.

I lost two very very special people this month. My moms mother, Cookie grandma, passed away after just one month of struggling with cancer. It was so hard to call and say goodbye to her. She didn't sound like the fun bouncy Grandma who to took me all over San Francisco and gave me experiences I never would have gotten. She has never professed to loving the Lord in anyway but on our last phone call just the day before she died I said to her "Grandma Ive been praying for you" and she replied "You don't need to anymore hunnie, I know your Steven is in Heaven and I'm going to take care of him till you get there." I pray with all I have that she was being sincere. Also, Jim the owner of the horse farm I had worked at. Whom I loved more than most people love their Grandparents, passed away after years and years of sickness and pain. It was so hard to lose him. But I pray he has gone to a better place as well and will never feel pain again. He meant so so much to me I cant bear the pain of never seeing him again.We've also lost 5 horses at the farm this year, one of whom was a very special mare to me. I remember the day she was born 5 years ago and how beautiful she was.
I feel so sad for my poor Mother who has had to deal with these things allot more up close than I've had to. She is such a strong woman and I would do anything to make her smile. Random news, My wonderful cat Raina had four of the most adorable kittens and I'm in love with them already. I have to sell them all though :( Were hurtin for money hardcore. I'm getting so worried with Christmas coming up. I love that holiday and want to make it wonderful for everyone. It's our first Christmas in our first home! I don't know how I could live without Ryan these days. Hes so great to me and takes such good care of me. He always find some way to make me smile even when I feel like I'll never smile again. I miss him like crazy when he's at work, and when he finally walks through the door its the highlight of my day. I've probably written enough for the day, so I'll leave you with this, Family is the most important thing in the entire world. Both mine and Ryan's families mean so much and I appreciate all every one has done for me.


This week was SO good. I didn’t want it to end. Monday was just a normal boring day, but what can you expect from a Monday.
Tuesday I just had one class in the morning then I headed to Battle Creek to hang out with Leah. We just sat around her house all afternoon watching old reruns of the OC. A little later that night, Joey, our oldest brother, came over to Leah’s to see her new house. After he was there for a few minutes we decided to go get something to eat. Joey treated us to Chinese food and It was so delicious.
Tuesday night when I got home I was talking on the phone to Jesse when I was reminded that the next day was our 6 month anniversary!!!! WOW. It went by so fast I cant even believe it.
SO we made some plans to hang out on Wednesday night. Wednesday morning I woke up smiling, I'm not even joking either. I got ready and headed to school. On my way home from school I was thinking of something special I could do for our anniversary. I have no idea why I thought of this but I really wanted to TRY and make dinner for us. If you remember from my previous post…I CANNOT COOK! But I wanted a challenge and it sounded like a fun experiment. So I called Jesse and ran my idea by him, he sounded extremely nervous but he agreed to give me a chance! I went to the grocery store and got stuff to make company chicken, which is amazingly delicious chicken breast rolled in crushed rits crackers, and covered in cream of mushroom soup then baked, corn, biscuits and brownies! Boxed of course. I headed to Jesse's house to start dinner so it could be done and ready by the time he got home from work.
I was a little nervous but everything turned out nearly perfect! Nothing was burnt or inedible so I was very happy!!!!! I heard the door open and I turn to see Jesse walking up the stairs with his arms behind his back and a big smile on his face, from behind his back he pulled out a gorgeous bouquet of pink roses (my favorite) and an adorable card. I was SO surprised and happy I might have cried, just a little bit.
We set the table and sat down and had a wonderful dinner. After dinner we had milk and brownies and watched a movie. It was a great day.
Thursday was just another day, school, homework, sleep.
Finally it was FRIDAY! My 19th Birthday. I had one class and then I headed to Leah’s again, we got dressed up all cute then went to meet my mom and our neighbors Sherri, and Holly for pedicures! It was amazing!!!! After that we went to Panera Bread for lunch, I had a brocolli cheese soup bread bowl and it was SO good!!!! After an hour of sitting there, eating and talking we headed out for shopping. Shopping with my mom never lasts very long so we were out of there pretty quick. I took Leah home, went and got some iced coffee with my mama and then dropped her off and at home to go to Jesse's so we could go back into town for dinner!!! Well, once I got there I walked in and sat on the couch next to him, it wasn’t until then that I realized how tired I was and that I wasn’t hungry at all! I actually felt sort of sick. He didn’t mind, we just grabbed a blanket and some movies and stayed in.
Saturday during the day I didn’t do much, just hung out pretty much all day until around 4 when I went to the grocery store with my mom and some little kids. We got stuff to make dinner and headed home. Leah came for dinner, after that I decided I was bored and went home with Leah, we got ready and went…out. It was……an experience I wish I could forget.
Later that night Jesse called, he was heading home from his little “boys night”, so I gathered my things and headed out to his house.
It was such a gorgeous night, not to cold, and clear gorgeous skies. We decided to get into the hot tub for a while, it was the perfect night for it. As we sat there just talking and laughing, everything got quiet, we stared into each other eyes for a very long moment, then he laid his head down on my shoulder and slowly lifted his lips to my ear and whispered…I Love You!!!!!! that’s the first time he has ever said it to me, he waited 6 months! I am so happy he waited because I feel like it meant so much more. That was a night I will never forget!!!!!
WOW this whole week and weekend was amazing and unforgettable. I am so happy with my life right now I cant even begin to explain. Hopefully next week is half as good as last week!!!!!!