Thursday, October 29, 2009


I am 23, the oldest of us girls, and this was my idea. I cant tell you how many times I have called someone up and said "I have a great idea"
and its true, they usually are great. But I rarely carry them through. I'm sure if you asked my mom all the times I said this to her when I was living at home she would just laugh. My mom has the best laugh. My mom is the most amazing women in the world, and someday I hope she writes a documentary. THAT would be an amazing story. My dad on the other hand, is an addict. And while I am one of the lucky ones who is able to remember before he lost his mind, it almost makes it harder to see him how he is now. I will leave all that to my moms book though :)
See, another great idea by me. However, that's one idea I cannot make happen. I can help though.
I guess ultimately I am better at thinking the ideas up then actually planning them out.
Thankfully I'm perfectly balanced by Ryan, my husband, who is the ultimate planner.
We have been together since we were both 16 years old, the full story of our relationship is a series in itself but to sum it up we met through my cousins when I came from Michigan to California to visit for a while. It was as close to love at first sight as you realistically get.
I moved to California when I was 18 to be with him. It was the hardest thing moving so far from my family, but I could not be without him anymore. I lived on his parents land for a year and then moved in with my grandma and went to college when I was 19. Like many college kids I did more drinking then learning. Finally Ryan came down one day and demanded I either go home with him or never see him again, I threw my stuff into a couple boxes and left. That was the smartest thing I had done all year. It was hard working through all the pain and destruction I had caused through my time at college, but somehow our true love pulled us through. We found out we were expecting a baby in July of 2006, neither of us were shocked or surprised. We finally got married after five years together on October 28th, 2006. And our precious baby girl Amelia Ryan was born April 14th, 2007. Ryan left when our baby was six weeks old to go to a training academy for a new job, and when he got home 18 weeks later we packed up and moved from Northern California to the heart of the desert in Southern California. A month after we moved there we found out we were expecting again and Ezra Robert was born on August 27th 2008. Four months later and much to our surprise we found out we had a third baby on the way. I have to admit I have never been less excited. I felt like Ezra never had a chance to be my baby, and I felt so horrible about myself cause I was more concerned with my body then the child it was carrying. After the hardest pregnancy I have had, buying a house and moving at 8 months pregnant, and then celebrating my baby's 1st birthday, my little Ivy Madelyn was born on Sep 8th, 2009. These are the craziest days of my life right now, I'm up by 6:45am and to bed by about 11:00pm I love my children with my entire being and would do anything for them. But being a stay at home mom definitely has its highs and lows. There are days I feel like a cyborg mom, just doing my job and nothing else. No accomplishments are made through the day, its just the same thing day after day after day. My weeks run together like spilled paint and I'm often surprised when someone says what day of the week it is cause I usually have no idea! I realize its a blessing that my husband has such a great job and I am able to stay home with my baby's instead of pass them on to someone else, I realize I am blessed to even HAVE baby's! Its just hard when I have nothing in life I look forward to, I have nothing that is MINE to do, no hobby's or even friends to talk too. And even if I did have friends, I feel like I'm not aloud to complain about how I'm feeling. I feel like I will be looked down upon to express my unhappiness at this season of life. I have everything people wish for. But it doesn't mean I dont need a break. I need something unbaby related to help me feel like a human being instead of a robotic Stepford wife. This is just the kind of thing I could never try to explain to my husband. He would never understand and probably just get his feelings hurt. Its nothing he can control. We wanted a family, and we wanted for me to be able to stay home. That's what we WANTED! I just never knew I would end up feeling so insignificant. I am Rachel, and I'm a stay at home mom.


I'm Leah, I'm 22, I'm the 3rd oldest of 11 children. I love my 7 brothers and 3 sisters more than I can explain. My Mother means the world to me. She has been there for me through the hardest times of my life. My Father I used to respect. I still love him. But I love the dad he used to be. Not the drug addicted asshole he is now. I was born in Santa Rosa California and my family moved 10 times by my 8'th birthday. Ending up in a log home that we built on 16 acres in Delton Michigan. Those 8 previous years are a blurr of wonderful and not so wonderful memories. Living in other peoples basements was never fun. Skipping Christmas isnt my favorite memory either. But all in all it was a happy childhood. Unfortunately, Thats where my childhood ended. I went through some real bad shit and grew up way before my time. I was homeschooled my whole life and thank God for it. Church was a huge part of my life for a long time and I remember getting on my knees when I was six and asking Jesus into my heart. All I really wanted out of life was to grow up and have babies, but horses were another huge thing to me and I was 14 when I started working for a wonderful man at an Arabian horse farm. He became more like a grandparent to me and Im so grateful for the opportunities he gave me. In the fall of my 16'th year I met who I thought was the love of my life. We were married just 3 days after I turned 17. We moved to Grand Rapids and were so happy and couldnt wait to start a life and family together. But 2 years, 2 pregnancies, 2 graves, lots of porn and some cheating later.... We decided to split up. And then thanks to immaturity, alcohal, dumb bitches and hiding from the cops, I moved back to Delton with my parents. And I rebelled. Within 3 months I had 11 peircings, 2 tattoos, hair was short and black as I could get it and I had numerous boyfriends. Yeah I was cool... NOT. I had gotten a job at a huge resteraunt as a waitress and started hanging out with this guy Ryan, who worked in the kitchen. He had just had a baby with one girl and was living with another. So obviously I got attatched. After some drama at home then drama with roommates I got my own place. Ryan finally asked me to be his girlfriend and I was lovin life. Then I got pregnant. And Ryan didnt want me to be. I was alone and miserable for three months, sleeping on the bathroom floor to sick to get myself a drink of water. I developed a blood clot in my uterus and was forced to quit work. With no income and no car thanks to a hit and run driver I had no choice but to move in with Ryan and his "friend". I hadnt been there a week before this friend of his told me everything I never wanted to know. Like that my boyfriend had been cheating on me right up till I got pregnant....With Her. I will not go into the stress and pain my two new roommates put me through during those months, the things that were said, done and not done hurt me more than anyones ever hurt me. Finally in January of 08 Ryan started changing, taking interest in the baby and when he told me he loved me for the first time I'd never been happier. As for me, though madly inlove with Ryan I lived and breathed for my child alone. I thought of him every second of every day. My last Dr.'s apt. was Jan 28 and I was told everything was great and I could have the little guy anytime. After months and months of feeling him move everyday suddenly there was nothing. Dont worry they said, its normal. But I did worry. So we went into the hospital. And there was no heartbeat.No words can describe my heart shattering pain, nor the broken look on Ryans face. The next 24 hours were worse than even Hell could be. Ryan stood by my side and was so so amazing through it all. He was my rock. My Mother who delivered my beautiful son herself meant so much to me during that time as well. The terrible physical pain I went through for hours and hours was nothing to the torture it was to be handed my son and not even be able to hear him cry. Thats all I wanted. Was to hear him cry. Holding him and watching Ryan hold him are the most painfully precious memories I have. We named our Son Steven James. He was born on February 3'rd 2008 and buried on February 8'th. The days between his birth and funeral I only have partial memory of. I know I took more drugs than I was supposed to and I know I cried more than I ever thought I could. The day of his funeral I could have sworn I had died and they were burying me in that tiny grave. Without my Mother and Ryan I may have died. It seemed so cruel to me that my older sister and old best friend both were having healthy happy babies. And my precious precious child had to taste death before even drawing a breath. I went back to work as soon as I could but then... I started getting sick. And I kept getting sick. That year after I had Steven was just as bad as the year before. Ryan fell into his old ways and living with him and his "best friend" made me even sicker. I wont talk much about it. But I feel like a part of me will always hate a part of them. Ryan and I managed to work things out in our relationship and were finally inlove. After a lot of hassle and stress and help from his parents we bought our own house and moved in on my 22nd birthday June 23 2009. Our relationship now is wonderful and I have never felt so secure or loved. He means the world to me. But as for my illness. Its trying to ruin my life. At least once a month I get sick, uncontrollable vomiting, sever stomach pain, dehydration and pottassium loss, seizures. Its crazy. And the Dr.'s have no idea why its happenning. Ryan takes the best care of me when Im sick but nothing helps. I feel like Im dying and no one can tell me why. I have been to the hospital more than 30 times in the last year and a half. All in all Ive lost 25 lbs. I was put on sick leave and cannot work. I have no money. No friends. No life outside my home and Man. And I miss my son more and more as everyday goes by. Im in love and happy with my relationship, My family still means the world to me, I still love God, I try and be posotive.... But Im miserable.


Growing up I was always known as the Drama Queen, the center of attention, the…annoying spoiled brat little sister. Well not much is changed there!
I’m the youngest of us three girls, and I act like it too. Growing up I got lucky, while my mom tested all her theories and rules on Rachel and Leah, by the time they got passed down to me they were already tossed out the window, I never had to deal with any strict rules or dress codes like they did, im just the lucky one of the bunch I supposeJ even when it came to things like chores, I don’t even remember having to feed the animals, do the dishes COOK ANYTHING(that ones biting me in the butt now) or clean anything.
Yessss I was spoiled, and still maybe am…just a little bit. Iv never had to work for anything in my life, its all been graciously given to me, THANKS MOMJ
I was home schooled until I was in 8th grade when I finally convinced my mom to let me have a chance at a normal life. I hated being home schooled more than I can explain, I feel like I was being cheated out of life and hidden away from the real world. In 9th grade I started attending Barry county Christian school, I loved every second of it. I made friends and memories that will stay with me forever.
My friends are some of the most important people in my life. My two best friends in the whole world are Annie Hammond and Casey Ramsey. I don’t remember ever meeting Annie iv just always known her. We grew up together and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I met Casey in 8th grade when my family changed churches. Casey and I spent every minute we could together, we laughed together and cried together she is the only person in this world that knows everything about me. Casey is 19 now and pregnant with twins! She is due in January and expecting one boy and one girl. I couldn’t be happier for her. I never thought anything like this would happen, not only Casey but also two other of my close friends are due in January as well!! AND last year two more of my very close friends gave birth to beautiful children!! I feel kind of left out…NOT!
My mother is the best one there is! Not only is she amazing at everything she does, she is also a brilliant, fun, gorgeous women. She’s in love with animals, which was never really my big thing but I have to thank her for it, if it wasn’t for her and her animals I would have never met my amazing boyfriend Jesse. Haha okay I know that sounds bad, but its not what you think. My mom breeds and sells cats and Jesse bought one! He picked it up when I wasn’t home, but he took my moms cat kennel with him. As the oldest at home at that time I was always running errands for my mom, I never thought I would run a pointless errand that would change my life as much as this one did. After a rough day my mom asked me to go pick up the kennel from his house, I was exhausted and dirty from my long day, I complained a little bit but finally agreed to go, after tying my hair onto the top of my head and throwing on an old grubby hoody I headed out. I got to his house and was a little blown away at my behavior, he opened the door and I ran inside without even saying hello….he had a fish tank that caught my eyeJ We have been together for seven months now and still going strong!!
As of now I am living with Jesses parents in Bellevue MI while I’m attending school at Olivet College. I hate it! But im almost done with my first semester so I can make some changes. I am still young and I have my whole life ahead of me to figure out my goals and dreams.