Ooooh Life

So I am still sick.  I am soooo over it.  We went to Pasadena last weekend to visit some family who was down for business.  Stayed in a sweet hotel that had awesome breakfast, and an indoor fish pond that the kids, especially Ezra, were obsessed with.  We didn't really do much except eat, which is fine by me.  We ate at Red Lobster one night and I got the best crab crusted talapia.  Omg It was soo delicious.  I also had some clam chowder and biscuits, which really not alot can beat that.  However someone there had this cold that I now have an cannot get rid of.  I started to get a sore throat on the last day and by the time we got home I had a sore throat, stuffy nose, my sinusis were killing me and I have a cough that wont quit.  It had knocked me on my fricken butt for the last week!  My house is a complete disaster which is so annoying cause I had it so nice there for a while.  Now its going to take a months worth of non stop action to get it back together.  I just feel like all my energy has been sucked from my body, and given to my children.  lol
I accidently fell asleep the other day and when I woke up there was chocolate sauce covering my kitchen floor...My kitchen is I would guess about 12 to 14 feet....covered, no more like SMEARED in hersheys syrup.  Of course the kids were covered in it to from head to toe.  I threw them outside and hosed them off then made them stay out while I went to clean up the floor.  I went to get the mop and then discovered my purse and all of its contents dumped out under the kitchen table, and all of my make up had been used as paint...on the floor and the walls and in the bathroom.  They had gotten mascara in the carpet as well.  I wanted to sit down and cry for like an hour but the stupid chocolate sauce had started to dry so I had to be quick.  I had to mop like five times after the initial wipe down.  The make up was a bit more difficult, and almost a week later I am still finding smears of it behind doors and on the walls.  I had to just wipe it as well as I could and what remains will just have to be painted over.  That was fricken rediculous...so when they got the spaghetti noodles I was going to make for dinner off the counter and spilled it all over, I was livid.  I spanked them and told them to go sit on the couch,  of course I didn't know they have both shoved noodles down their shirts.  So when I went into the living room and saw angel hair spaghetti sticking up all over I completely lost it.  And much like the make up mess, I am still vacuuming up angel hair.  The moral of the story is, don't get sick, and definitely never ever take naps unless your kids are securely locked in cages.
The rest of the week has been normal, it's super hot so the kids dont spend alot of time outside unless the sprinklers are on.  I don't leave the house without Ryan unless I absolutely have to, and since we just went grocery shopping two days ago I will be home for the next three weeks :)  I don't care honestly, I love my house.  I just wish it was a little...cleaner.
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Wow. I just had to go read my own blog from last week to see if I was mixing my days up again...


Let's jump right into it. I don't know how this is going to work. I could swear I just make him more unhappy like 70 percent of the time. I do the slightest thing slightly wrong, and you'd think I burnt the house down. I KNOW I am NOT the world's biggest fuck-up. But some time's I feel like I am. It's getting ridiculous. I hate enough of life I don't need to hate myself.

It's been so miserably hot lately I can't get the energy to do anything. I lay around with fans blowing on me feeling like a worthless bum. Um, disgusting news. I'm pretty sure I've sweat more this summer than any summer of my life. I'm wondering if it's because of one of these random drugs they've put me on. The Doctor's seem to love switching my meds as often as they can.

I can't sleep at night. Like at all. I lay there and toss and turn and some time's cry till morning when I finally catch a few hours. But in the evening's Im exhausted! And when I'm trying to work that's a huge pain in my ass. Speaking of. Me and two other girls from the bar got picked to go be "Ring Girls" for some cage fight's that were being held downtown. It was a long night but it was lot's of fun. Even when we had to side step blood in the ring... Watching the fight's was my favorite part though. But we did a lot of promotions for the bar and passed out over 250 free passes.

Well I would love to tell you more. Unfortunately I cannot. So I'm going to go try and take a nap. Or shower. Both are much needed.
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I got my hair done last Wednesday, it was extremely black. Iv gotten in the shower everyday since then and every time I wash and rinse my hair (which is sometimes 3 times per shower!) it runs and runs with dark black water, well its Monday now and my hair is dark brown….I like it much better dark brown but I think I could probably complain and get my money back...hmm I might just do that.

I got a job, sort of =) I went to an open call for a modeling agency, just for fun, not really thinking anything would come of it. Well they want me! So August 14th I have a workshop, which is basically paper work, and some makeup, runway, posing classes. I’m actually super excited about it! They had a book of some of their models at the audition and they were in a lot of big and popular magazines and commercials. Maybe this is my big break!!! I hope it doesn’t turn out to be a scam =/ but so far it doesn’t seem that way at all! So since I got my acceptance letter from this agency iv been working out extra hard and actually paying attention to what I eat and how much I eat! I feel much better already, I don’t think I’m fat but I could definitely be more toned.
Well its Jesse’s birthday today, July 26th, and he is twenty-eight! HOLY CRAP! Ha-ha its still so weird to think about our age difference sometimes, but I don’t mind at all. His friends give him a hard time about it everyday! And they are always asking me questions about it, like….what are you thinking? And why? And what do your parents think about this? Hahaha, Its so funny to hear them talk about it and just be so blown away by it all, come on, 8 years is not that big of a deal! So I still don’t know what I’m going to get him! He gets home at 2 and then I’m off to town to find him some sort of gift…..its probably going to end up being like, candy.
Over-all I had a good week, this weekend was a little, well a lot, different than Id hoped it be. But its over and its time to move on and start with a fresh, new week. Hopefully ill actually get things done this week!

Slug bug

I'm sick.

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Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, that's alright because I love the way you lie."

That's just a line from a new Eminem song. But every time I hear it I relate a little better.
But we'll get to that later. Mostly... Just the same shit, different day. Everything blurs together and I usually don't even know what day of the week it is unless I look at the calender. I went grocery shopping on Thursday... I think. That was fun. Saturday I worked a backlot beach party. Yeah a beach party in the back parking lot of the bar. There was a 40 foot water slide, dunk tank, volley ball, live bands and lots to drink. I worked 15 hours but it really wasn't that bad because I drank the whole time:) I didn't make half as much as I would have liked but it was a fun long day.
As for my home life. We fight. And we make up. And we fight again. And make up again. It's getting very, very old. This weeks two day fight came closer to ending us than anything ever has. We love each other to much to walk away. Even though we aren't exactly making each other happy. I'm giving it one more month. And I may have said that before. But I want some changes. So does he. And neither of us want to waste anymore time if all were doing is well, wasting time. I can't handle to much more. And that's for damn sure. One more fight like this last one and I will walk away. I don't want the last 4 years to be a waste. But if I'm not going to get what I want then I DEFINITELY don't want to drag it on any longer. So we shall see what happens. I'm going to do my part to the fullest. I can only pray he does his.

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What a week! A long, long, long, week! Still with out a car I try to keep myself occupied at home. I finally got a hula-hoop, so I have something to do outside instead of just stand there and let the sprinklers cool me down. I've been keeping the house perfectly clean and making sure the laundry is always done! Jesse loves it of course, his friends come over and he brags about it ha ha, it makes me feel appreciated.

Jesse is now in the middle of his training so we don’t get to spend much time together during the week, he’s gone during the day, studying in the evening and usually in bed by 8 or 9. By the time the weekend comes around we are both SO happy. We had such a good weekend too, we went to the drive-in to the see “Inception”, it was confusing…I’m sure it was a lot more confusing for Jesse due to the fact that he fell asleep mid-movie ha ha! He has been working so hard and doing so good, he only gets about 5-6 hours of sleep every night, and he’s on the go all day everyday, so a little nap during a movie is perfectly acceptable.
I’m getting really good with cooking breakfast foods, seriously, I am a pancake expert! I also made a cake this week which I am very proud of! It was of course from a box because I don’t do the whole “home made” crap yet. It was chocolate devils food cake, but I was feeling creative so I added in a few table spoons of Peanut Butter and some caramel coffee creamer, I had white frosting but I separated it and made ¾ of it into chocolate frosting and used the remaining frosting to decorate my cake with! It was glorious, and delicious too!
Iv still been trying to decide about school! I know Im going for sure, but I still don’t know why! I hate not knowing, I like to have a plan and follow it, without a plan I am lost, and so confused! I guess I should just stay calm and go with the flow, its gotten me this far and I LOVE my life, so I guess I really have nothing to worry about.
Oh yeah! We went to a moving sale on Saturday and got everything we could possibly need for a weekend at the beach! Now all we have to do is go! I cant wait, I think were going either this weekend or next, I love the beach =)
Jesse’s birthday is coming up and I am still seriously clueless on what to do and what to get him and everything! So really…please help me. Im thinking we should just go out because Im to scared to try and make something different because I usually fail at my first time cooking attempts. Im usually good at this stuff, but for some reason nothing to coming to mind. Am I running out of good ideas?….what’s happening to me! Maybe its just a phase...I hope!
We went to a briefing on Wednesday that just explained everything that’s going to happen while we are here and gave us a time line for all the phases of training and such. We also got a list of all the possible stations we could be headed to next! They told us to sit down and choose our top 3 for each aircraft, because Jesse doesn’t know which helicopter he is going to fly we have to keep out options opened, there are different stations for each helicopter. There are 3 different helicopters so that gives us 9 choices of places to go! Its tuff! But fun at the same time.
Sometimes this whole being married thing really hits me and I realize that we are going to be together forever, and do everything together, go everywhere together, it’s a really cool feeling and it makes me so excited to see what the future holds for us.

Housemaid wanted.

*Sigh*

Im having a rough day so Im not sure how this post will translate.  I haven't had a shower in two days, Amelia just opened all my outgoing mail and tore up the checks inside them, Ezra tore a cupboard door completely off, and Ivy refuses to nap. 
I guess I will start by explaining the reason we didn't post last week was cause my computer was down and Naomi is sooooo busy with her life that she couldn't get on and post her and Leah's.  Thanks Pal!

Anyway, so the kids and I loved having Andrew here.  An extra set of eyes, ears, and hands is AWESOME.  Some friends we have not seen in years drove down to see Andrew while he was here which was so awesome and exciting.  We also got to go see Eclipse, which was so fricken amazing.  Anyway, it seemed at first like he would be here for a long time, than all of a sudden it was time for him to go and I couldn't believe how quick it seemed.  The kids bawled when we had to drop him off at the airport and ran straight into the office where he slept when we got home and cried some more.  So sad :(  It has seemed super lonely now that It's just us again.  Granted Andrew is not the biggest conversationalist but you dont always have to be talking to keep someone company.  It was actually not super duper hot while he was here!  It was in the 100's, but I dont think it got past 110.  It's supposed to be 114 for three days this week.  That's just too hot.

Not much is going on as far as outside of life in general.  The next thing to really look forward to is Ezra and Ivys birthdays coming up and those are still kinda far off.  I have been trying to really keep up on the house but it honestly seems like the harder I try to keep things nice the more the kids try to tear everything apart.
I am beyond frustrated and felt pretty defeated for a while.  Now I am just kinda chugging along, cause what else can I do.  Ryan has been helping me so much, even though hes not a super difficult shift and is not getting alot of sleep.  He's a really amazing man and the best friend I have ever had.  Little Ivy is really starting to adore him and squeals everytime she see's him. 
I really wonder how the rest of the year is going to turn out.  It's never like you think.
And no one, no matter what they think, understands.  No one understands and It's so irritating that they think they do.  If I had a dollar for everytime someone has told me they have "been there".....nope sorry you haven't...your kids are 2 years apart...and you have friends and family around...you have never....ever...been here.  The other one I love is "It's just a season of life"....there's nothing that makes me want to swear more than retarded people saying cliche obvious statements like that.  Of fricken course it is stupid...but that doesn't make it suck any less.  I'm just tired. 

We went to church Wednesday night.  I love this church.  They are so loving and the teaching is exactly that, teaching!  There are waaaay to many preachers out there and not enough teachers.  The ladies in the nursery are always great and the kids love being in there.  Amelia always come out with some little paper or craft she made and talks about singing about Jesus.  It's such a nice change from just reading at home when I get the chance or even remember to!

So a couple of weeks ago I mentioned everyone should come out here for Thanksgiving...I dont think anyone has even thought about it :)  Well Im pretty determined to get my mom and the kids out here so they're all going to be pretty sore when they dont have a thanksgiving dinner cause they didn't plan ahead and come out.  It really irritates me.  It could be totally awesome and fun if they would just consider it and maybe plan for it. 

So obviously Im just a really pissed off annoyed individual right now...but omg my kids are driving me nuts.
So thats all I will post today.. Im thinking of trying to write throughout the week instead of just doing a weeks summary at the end of the week.  We'll see how that goes :)
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I am soooo unpersonal... At least that's what I was accused of when I sent in my blog for this week. Luckily I get another chance. So here we go.

This week sucked. Like every day. I spent as much time at my friends house as I could. And that turned around and bit me in the ass. Because now of course I am being accused of sleeping around. But pretty much any time I want to do anything but sit on the couch all night long I get accused of being out sucking dick. Hows that for personal? I've come to the conclusion that since he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship, he's NEVER going to trust that I wont turn around and do it to him. And just because he doesn't like people means I'm not supposed to either!
He doesn't want me to have friends and go out and have fun. He just wants me home all the time. But at the same time. He has no desire to give me what I want if I am going to stay home! I'd be perfectly happy being a stay at home wife and mother. But a stay at home girlfriend is rediculious. I can't just sit around this house all day alone. It's miserable. I am so ready to be a Mother. And he just keeps pushing the day further and further away. He's got his son. What does it matter to him? Our wants are just so different. I don't feel like I make him happy anymore. But maybe that's because I'm not happy.
In other news. Both my dryer and my dishwasher decided to die this week. So I got to do dishes by hand AND hang clothes on a make shift clothes line. So much fun....
I hung out with my brother Daniel twice this week. Which is awesome. And I really like this girl he's with. He took Mom and I out to dinner the other night. Fajitas and Margaritas! Cant get much better than that. Then Mom and I went to Khols and hit the sales racks:) It was amazing. That was definitely the best night this week.
That's the best I can do. I'll try harder next time. I'm emotionally drained and really am not ready to talk about it yet!



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So last week was nothing special during the week, but it was 4th of July weekend! Saturday we went shopping to try to find some good holiday deals, yeah it didn’t go too well, but Sunday was fun! We had some friends over, did fireworks in the drive way and just hung out and had fun!!!
Jesse is actually in school now so he is gone everyday pretty much all day, then when he gets home he has to study! So im doing things to try to keep myself busy. Its so weird how different things are when you are doing them yourself and not just watching someone else do them. For instance. I thought I knew how to do dishes, cook, what food to freeze, refrigerate, ect. Well it turns out im not too good at of it. I was out of dishwashing soap the other week but the dishes HAD to be done, so instead of just doing them by hand, I decided to be lazy and do them in the dishwasher anyways. I put the dish soap in the dishwasher detergent spot and started it up. I came back later to put away my clean dishes…….well they were clean…but my kitchen was not. It was COVERED in ..you guessed it! BUBBLES….yeah, Im a little slow.
Also, last week I went grocery shopping got lots of new and different things, I put everything in the fridge where I thought it belonged…well a few days later something smelled a little fishy….I opened the fridge to see what it was, but it wasn’t just one thing, It was the hamburger, steak, and ham that I put in the bottom of the fridge, It looked different than it did when I first bought it, I did what I always do and went straight to Google the situation, well it turns out meat can only be in the fridge for 1-3 days…not 7-10...so that was a lot of food and money wasted. Oh the joys of being a new housewife….a lot of learning that’s for sure!
Last night we decided to change it up and switch sides of the bed haha, it was just a joke at first but we actually fell asleep that way, it was so weird, I slept better on his side of the bed then I have the whole time we have been here!
We went to church this morning, it was fun! I really like out church. After church it was major house cleaning time! After cleaning I headed to the store again to get some stuff for Jesse to take in his lunch J
Oh yeah…. I got pulled over today, I only got a warning...but STILL! It was my first time and I was terrified, good thing I looked good today J
Life is pretty interesting right now, I never thought it would turn out this way, but I am happy and thankful for all that I have.