Saturday, November 14, 2009

When do you break?

Wow this week flew by for some reason. It has been a pretty hard week even though it was fast. I don't even really remember Monday, which is typical for Monday. But I don't think I could ever forget Tuesday if I wanted too. Ezra took his diaper off and pooped all over the floor, then played in it a little and even decided to taste some. He walked out of the office with poop from his head to his toes. After I threw him in the sink and scrubbed him down I got to hunt down his diaper and try and scrub poop out of the carpet. No matter how you clean it, it never seems efficient. Its poop for crying out loud. That pretty much ruined my mood for the rest of the day. Hard thing to come back from.
Wednesday we had another little mishap, but thankfully it was a little tastier. I came down stairs from changing over a load of laundry and peeked in the living room to make sure the kids were still all there. Ezra was on sitting on the floor watching Little Bear, Ivy was sleeping in her bouncer, and Amelia....? Where is she? Oh... there she is, in Ivy's swing, covered in peanut butter. I repeat..... PEANUT BUTTER!
You really don't realize how oily peanut butter is until you try to wash it off a 2 year old. Of course it was a step up from poop. But seriously? THAT made me HAPPY? The fact that its peanut butter instead of poop. Yes, that was the highlight of the situation. *sigh*
Other things happened, spills and messes, fights and crying, lots of mud but nothing really worth mentioning.
I have felt so lonely this week. Like I'm lost inside this beautiful house and nobody outside of it knows or cares about me.
I feel like I'm in a constant pity party for myself and I hate that. I want so badly to find a church, but at the same time it seems pointless since I will inevidably just end up in the nursery anyway. The truth is, I read my bible, and I pray constantly. The reason I want a church is so I can meet people and have a church family, you dont realize how important they is until you dont have it anymore.
I could feel it coming this week. Like a cold blanket of depression wrapping itself around me. My world seems to be falling apart and I cant even find all the pieces to put it back together. Saturday though, was the worst. I had noticed one of my cats three week old kittens was not growing as fast as the others, and he couldn't use his back legs very well. The past few days I had spent alot of time by the box holding two of the fatter kittens to try and get the little one to nurse. He just wouldn't/couldn't and pretty soon Raina would guide him to the corner away from the other kittens. She knew what I refused to believe. So that day I couldn't get him to nurse at all. He started crying. It was the most heartbreaking sound I've heard in a long time and I immediately started sobbing along with him. Raina cried every time the baby did and that made it worse. I called the vet and told them what was going on and the lady just went on about how there's a fee to put the kitten down and a new patient fee and an emergency fee since I didn't make an appointment. I explained in tears that I had no money and it was just a tiny kitten and wouldn't take much. The kitten was crying and I knew she could hear it but she said no anyway. I said a couple choice words and hung up bawling. I don't want to even think about how long the three of us cried before he went silent. He laid there breathing lightly for hours before the little guy finally gave up. It was heart wrenching. Of course I was home alone, of course I had no one to turn to. For one brief second I wanted to be shot. The terror that this could be my fault, like everything else I'm accused of.
The panic attacks are getting worse. The pain is getting worse. Its been almost two months since I've been to the hospital but that doesn't change the fact that every other morning I wake up in so much pain its like fighting for my life to get through it. Some days all I want to do is eat everything in site. Then for a week I have no appetite whatsoever and just smelling the food I cook for my man causes me to feel nauseous. I have a hard time falling asleep. I have a hard time staying awake. I'm dripping with sweat but so cold I'm shaking. The pressure is pushing me into the ground. I have the desire to work, but no strength to accomplish it with. I cant concentrate on anything yet my mind is always full. I cant stop thinking about everything yet my mind is so blank. I know that's contradictory.
Its so hard to keep caring. Especially when it doesn't matter. No matter how much I care, no matter how much I give. I get nothing in return. I don't even have a best friend to lean on.
I hate the fact that I sit alone on nites when Ryan's working and fight as hard as I can to keep control of my emotions and have no one to call. And yea there's people out there that tell me they're there for me. But never when I need them. Whats the point in even trying to have real friends anymore? No one can help me, Ive lost so much faith these past three years. Not to mention everything else I've managed to lose.
Praying gets me nowhere and I don't fit into any church I try. My days roll together without ever changing. I'm still waiting on disability and food stamps. So worried about losing our wonderful home. Or car. Or anything.
My poor man is so stressed out from taking care of me when I'm sick, working all the time, and never having enough money for anything. I feel for him I really do. But this isn't my fault and I have to tell myself that everyday. The guilt that's building up inside of me for ruining so many things for us is bringing me down more and more as time goes on.
With Christmas fast approaching I don't even know what to do. Its my all time favorite holiday and I love celebrating with all my loved ones. I ruined last Christmas by being in the hospital. I longed for this Christmas to be able to make up for it. But I have no money to buy my family gifts and that breaks my heart. I want our first Christmas in our home to be wonderful.
The time I spend with Ryan's son brings so much light into my life. But I cant help feeling sad. He should be here playing with his little brother. No one, And I mean no one understands how hard it is for me. The fear that someone else was able to give him a son because I may never be able to breaks my heart in a million new pieces. Yet Jake's mother means so much to me, she is a wonderful person and I am so lucky that she is such an understanding and caring person. The Mother in me is begging to come out. I long for a child more than anything in this world. And my 3 beautiful children have all been cruelly taken from me. I could keep asking why. But I never get an answer. I know I have never done anything terrible enough to deserve to be punished like this. And don't tell me it wasn't the right time, If it wasn't the right time why did I get pregnant at all?
Ryan and I are struggling with our relationship lately. Were both so stressed about money and me being sick and the thousand other little bad things that keep happening. He cant understand what I'm going through and I don't really want him to know how depressed I am. I love him more than anything in this world and long to make him the happiest man alive. But I feel like I'm failing. The insecurities that have burned themselves into my mind keep getting worse. I don't feel good enough. For anything or anyone. I just want to be happy. I never thought that was asking a whole lot. I have to stop now. Holding my head high in hope that next week will bring some good news. Will never stop praying that God will bless me with a child. Ive all ready given him 3 beautiful babies, my turn has to be coming soon.

From the day I found out you were coming my way,
a place opened in my heart for you always to stay.

I remember every move that you made the feeling wonderful and new,
now I think about you everyday with a love so pained yet true.

Your my special angel somewhere in the sky,
yet why you had to leave me I'll always wonder why.

The months I spent in longing impatient to hold you in my arms,
seem so short and sweet as I kept you safe and warm.

I will always cherish the time I held you face to face,
I longed to hear you cry or even take your place.

The perfects shape of your eyes and your sweet little nose,
Black hair your Daddys lips and cute curly toes.

Yes you were perfect my most precious son,
and I know I'll be with you when my time here is done.

My love for you Steven wont lesson with time,
Your with Jesus now but someday you'll be mine.

Two more weeks of school and I am done with my first semester of College! I cant believe how fast it flew by, thank God. I am really excited to transfer somewhere else, now all I have to do is chose somewhere to transfer too. I have decided that I want to go for an associates in communications and also do an online wedding coordination class! Being a wedding planner is always something I have wanted to do, and I don’t know why I have put it off for this long. But everything is going to change now. I think that if I am going to school somewhere that I enjoy, I will do better in my classes. I might actually care about my grades this time around.
This week was so boring. I think I was home alone every single day after school with nothing to do. Wait I lied, Tuesday night Jesse came over for a while after work and hung out with me but I was so tired I couldn't have been very much fun. Other than that its been dull and boring. At least it went by fast and its over. I keep wanting this time to go by so fast so I can be out of school, but then I realize that the faster the time goes the sooner the time will come when Jesse has to leave………I don’t think its really sunk in yet. I know he is leaving, but it doesn’t seem real to me.
He is leaving on December 23rd to go to Alabama to start his officer training through the Air Force. Once he graduates from that in late February, he then goes to school to learn how to fly helicopters! I am so happy for him, but I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. He will be gone for over a year and a half. He keeps trying to make it so it doesn’t sound that bad, he tells me I can come visit whenever I want after April, and I get to see him at this graduation in February. But its still going to be so hard! Not being able to talk to him for the 1st 8 weeks…..I honestly don’t know how I will be able to take it.
So I really need a job, I've been looking for one that doesn’t involve food or being nice to people all day….and yeah there is pretty much no such thing. So I guess I have to suck it up and try to become a nicer person. I also need to figure out where I’m supposed to live! There is no way on earth I could move back home, I love you mom, but oh my gosh I could not deal with all the drama and children again. And I feel so guilty living where I am right now. I feel like I am being given everything and I am selfishly taking it with nothing to give in return. I don’t know what to do! I didn’t really realize how confused I was until just now when I actually thought about it and wrote it out. Wow, maybe this blog is good for something.

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