Monday, November 9, 2009

Making new and remembering old memories.


This week has passed pretty uneventfully, which I am grateful for. Day light savings has failed to deliver, It has saved me no daylight and I can barely crawl through the day without falling asleep. I hate that its dark so early, It makes me want to go to bed at like 5:30pm

I gave up drinking soda as of Wednesday. I have wanted to for a long time but I just love it so much. So I Googled it and after reading how terrible it is for you and how much weight you can lose simply by not drinking it, I finally decided it was time. So far It has been 5 days and I have lost 4lbs. Definitely worth it. I am not a believer of completely cutting things out though so I have decided I will allow myself one soda a week. Life just wouldn't be as pleasurable with a delicious Dr Pepper every once in a while.

I have been in such a reminiscent mood lately. I was talking to Naomi about friends from camp and it just opened a whole flood gate of memory's. Its crazy how people that you meet and know for that one week at summer camp somehow remain your friends in your heart and mind even though you most likely will never see them again. The weird thing is my first year of camp I didn't really connect with anyone until I went home. And even weirder was it was with boys. Kyle and Jeremy, who I don't think I said more then two words to while at camp. But when I got home and e-mailed everyone who had been in my group they were the two who answered. We could have just e-mailed, but instead wrote some handwritten letters just for fun, but both of their last letters I received had no return address's on them and I didn't have them written anywhere, all I know is they both lived in New York. Its weird cause they probably don't remember me at all, and I still think of them and send little prayers out for them.
I guess I spend allot of time thinking about the people I used to know. I'm scared I wont ever be able to be friends with anyone ever again cause they don't know where I came from or who I am. How do you fill someone in on a lifetime of events? It makes me hope my kids are able to make great friends that they can keep forever.

Naomi had her 19th birthday this week. Its weird to me cause I remember so clearly the night she was born. I was 5 after all so I supposed if I didn't remember it would be a problem. It was my moms first home birth and there were tons of people there. It lasted like 2 days and when she was finally born everyone freaked out thinking my mom was hemorrhaging and the ambulance and police all showed up at the house. Joey, Leah, Daniel and I were all supposed to be in bed sleeping, but I, ever the night owl was wide awake and interested in the whole shebang. So they take my mom and Naomi to the hospital and I get up and my dad ends up taking me with him. I thought I was so lucky to get to go cause a nurse gave me graham crackers and apple juice and it was way past my bed time. I don't even remember seeing Naomi or being concerned about where she was. I must have fallen asleep on the way home or at the hospital cause all I remember was the next day my mom came home with Naomi, and man was she ugly. She was the reddest little baby and always had the most bored expression. That's pretty much the extenst of my memory's of her til she was at least 1 1/2 or 2... so she must not have left much of an impression. I do however remember her always saying "NO" that's all she ever said til she like 5. j/k, but really she always would say "no no no no" and for some reason we all thought it was so cute. I never ever would have guessed we would get along or be close at all.
It's so hard being far away during times like holidays and birthdays and such things. I wonder sometimes if my family will ever live closer. I honestly don't think it will ever happen, I also honestly don't know how I would feel if they sold the home and land where I have so many amazing memory's. Its a catch 21 with no east way out. I miss everyone so bad though. And I hate my kids growing up without their many Aunts and Uncles around. And of course their Grandma :)

I guess that's all I have for this week. Like I said, uneventful.


I got writers block this week. Not that I didn't have anything to write about. More like I didn't know how to write it. But for real, lets talk about some good things first. I got to go trick or treating for the first time in my life this year! I went with Ryan's son Jake and his Mother and it was so much fun to watch the kids. Jake ran across everyone's yard yelling what kind of candy he got. He said "twick o teet" and "Thank you" at every house. I am so blessed that I get to be a part of his life.Other good news. A very close, very longtime friend Kat came over to see me for the first time in a long time the other day. She brought her 2 1/2 week old son with her. It was the first time I've held a newborn baby since I held Steven and it was such a bittersweet experience. He's a beautiful baby and I am glad that I am able to be happy for my friends who are having children instead of jealous like I felt at first. It was also so good to catch up with my dear friend for we really have been through a lot together. And yet another first for me, I went with my Mother and sister Naomi on her birthday to a beauty academy and my dear mom treated us to pedicures! It was heaven and my feet feel and smell so good:) I wish Rachel had been able to be there but the lil mama's a busy woman out there in Cali with my two niece's and my nephew. Not gonna lie I am jealous of her. Its like God blessed her with my dream life. A young married mother of a beautiful family. Sometime's I cant help but feel cheated. Sometime's I don't think I can go one more day without Steven. I cant believe that in less than 3 months it will be two years since that dreadful precious day. I will always miss him in a way that I could never explain. You never get over the pain of losing a child, you just get used to living with it. I cant wait to start a family with Ryan. It's all I think about. I cant even imagine the joy it will bring me when I hear my baby cry for the first time! But I must wait. We HAVE to get my health problems figured out. I have to be able to go back to work. And after all this time of scraping by who knows how long it will be before are financially stable enough to try again. My life has not turned out at all like I thought it would, but every one keeps telling me I'm young and to be patient..... A virtue I wasn't blessed with.

I lost two very very special people this month. My moms mother, Cookie grandma, passed away after just one month of struggling with cancer. It was so hard to call and say goodbye to her. She didn't sound like the fun bouncy Grandma who to took me all over San Francisco and gave me experiences I never would have gotten. She has never professed to loving the Lord in anyway but on our last phone call just the day before she died I said to her "Grandma Ive been praying for you" and she replied "You don't need to anymore hunnie, I know your Steven is in Heaven and I'm going to take care of him till you get there." I pray with all I have that she was being sincere. Also, Jim the owner of the horse farm I had worked at. Whom I loved more than most people love their Grandparents, passed away after years and years of sickness and pain. It was so hard to lose him. But I pray he has gone to a better place as well and will never feel pain again. He meant so so much to me I cant bear the pain of never seeing him again.We've also lost 5 horses at the farm this year, one of whom was a very special mare to me. I remember the day she was born 5 years ago and how beautiful she was.
I feel so sad for my poor Mother who has had to deal with these things allot more up close than I've had to. She is such a strong woman and I would do anything to make her smile. Random news, My wonderful cat Raina had four of the most adorable kittens and I'm in love with them already. I have to sell them all though :( Were hurtin for money hardcore. I'm getting so worried with Christmas coming up. I love that holiday and want to make it wonderful for everyone. It's our first Christmas in our first home! I don't know how I could live without Ryan these days. Hes so great to me and takes such good care of me. He always find some way to make me smile even when I feel like I'll never smile again. I miss him like crazy when he's at work, and when he finally walks through the door its the highlight of my day. I've probably written enough for the day, so I'll leave you with this, Family is the most important thing in the entire world. Both mine and Ryan's families mean so much and I appreciate all every one has done for me.


This week was SO good. I didn’t want it to end. Monday was just a normal boring day, but what can you expect from a Monday.
Tuesday I just had one class in the morning then I headed to Battle Creek to hang out with Leah. We just sat around her house all afternoon watching old reruns of the OC. A little later that night, Joey, our oldest brother, came over to Leah’s to see her new house. After he was there for a few minutes we decided to go get something to eat. Joey treated us to Chinese food and It was so delicious.
Tuesday night when I got home I was talking on the phone to Jesse when I was reminded that the next day was our 6 month anniversary!!!! WOW. It went by so fast I cant even believe it.
SO we made some plans to hang out on Wednesday night. Wednesday morning I woke up smiling, I'm not even joking either. I got ready and headed to school. On my way home from school I was thinking of something special I could do for our anniversary. I have no idea why I thought of this but I really wanted to TRY and make dinner for us. If you remember from my previous post…I CANNOT COOK! But I wanted a challenge and it sounded like a fun experiment. So I called Jesse and ran my idea by him, he sounded extremely nervous but he agreed to give me a chance! I went to the grocery store and got stuff to make company chicken, which is amazingly delicious chicken breast rolled in crushed rits crackers, and covered in cream of mushroom soup then baked, corn, biscuits and brownies! Boxed of course. I headed to Jesse's house to start dinner so it could be done and ready by the time he got home from work.
I was a little nervous but everything turned out nearly perfect! Nothing was burnt or inedible so I was very happy!!!!! I heard the door open and I turn to see Jesse walking up the stairs with his arms behind his back and a big smile on his face, from behind his back he pulled out a gorgeous bouquet of pink roses (my favorite) and an adorable card. I was SO surprised and happy I might have cried, just a little bit.
We set the table and sat down and had a wonderful dinner. After dinner we had milk and brownies and watched a movie. It was a great day.
Thursday was just another day, school, homework, sleep.
Finally it was FRIDAY! My 19th Birthday. I had one class and then I headed to Leah’s again, we got dressed up all cute then went to meet my mom and our neighbors Sherri, and Holly for pedicures! It was amazing!!!! After that we went to Panera Bread for lunch, I had a brocolli cheese soup bread bowl and it was SO good!!!! After an hour of sitting there, eating and talking we headed out for shopping. Shopping with my mom never lasts very long so we were out of there pretty quick. I took Leah home, went and got some iced coffee with my mama and then dropped her off and at home to go to Jesse's so we could go back into town for dinner!!! Well, once I got there I walked in and sat on the couch next to him, it wasn’t until then that I realized how tired I was and that I wasn’t hungry at all! I actually felt sort of sick. He didn’t mind, we just grabbed a blanket and some movies and stayed in.
Saturday during the day I didn’t do much, just hung out pretty much all day until around 4 when I went to the grocery store with my mom and some little kids. We got stuff to make dinner and headed home. Leah came for dinner, after that I decided I was bored and went home with Leah, we got ready and went…out. It was……an experience I wish I could forget.
Later that night Jesse called, he was heading home from his little “boys night”, so I gathered my things and headed out to his house.
It was such a gorgeous night, not to cold, and clear gorgeous skies. We decided to get into the hot tub for a while, it was the perfect night for it. As we sat there just talking and laughing, everything got quiet, we stared into each other eyes for a very long moment, then he laid his head down on my shoulder and slowly lifted his lips to my ear and whispered…I Love You!!!!!! that’s the first time he has ever said it to me, he waited 6 months! I am so happy he waited because I feel like it meant so much more. That was a night I will never forget!!!!!
WOW this whole week and weekend was amazing and unforgettable. I am so happy with my life right now I cant even begin to explain. Hopefully next week is half as good as last week!!!!!!

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