Sunday, December 6, 2009

Ghost of Christmas's past

The Holidays can be one of two things, the most exciting fun and love filled times, or the saddest most depressing lonely times. Somehow, Im caught in the middle. I love my children and my husband to much to be really sad or depressed. But the fact that we wont be celebrating Christmas like every other normal family in the world breaks my heart. I know my kids might not remember it, but I will. Everyone says that about things like this. Isn't it my job to create these moments for them to make memorys of? If there aren't any special or magic moments of course they wont remember it. I hate that both of our familys are so far from us. I hate that my kids cant have fun traditions that they do at each of their grandparents house. But I am determined to make Christmas special somehow. Ryan works Christmas day so that makes it hard, I dont want to leave him out. I feel like I haven't had a Christmas in 5+years and Im sick of it. I want to be filled with that happy excitment. I want to feel Christmas like a child!

This whole week has been trying its hardest to get me down, but surprisingly I have been in an extremely good mood. And as dumb as this may sound to some, Facebook is a huge factor. I love being able to see what my family is up to all the time. And I love being able to talk to friends I haven't seen in years without having to make awkward phone calls. It somehow contents that part of me that was missing, social and personal interraction with people over the age of 2 1/2! Amazingly, when Im in a better mood, Ryan is in a better mood. :)

We finally bought a dining table which I am ecstatic about, I never want to eat at a tv tray again. We have been using them since we first got married and they're the biggest annoyance.

It feels so good buying things for our house! I want to start painting so bad but I know I would end up getting frustrated having to stop in the middle all the time.

Anyway, it was finally cold enough for me to have an excuse to make soup! I was so excited cause I adore soup and stew and chowder, so I bought some sour dough bread rounds and we had potatoe soup in bread bowls and honey mustard chicken. It was fantastic if I do say so myself. Did it matter that it was only 69 degrees? No...anything under 70 is undeniable soup weather. Well I suppose Im done rambling on about everything except for my week :) But those are the things that I want to get out. So, my kids are adorable, and usually dirty. But I love them and enjoy every day I get with them. They do drive me nuts, but I would rather be crazy with them then sane without them. I love Ryan, hes a better man then I ever deserved and a awesome daddy to our babys. I am so richly blessed and I dont want anyone to think I ever take that for granted. I guess I feel like I have been complaining alot lately, but everyone has ups and downs, and right now Im up!


Mostly I spent this week in bed. Sad I know. My mood seems to switch every week. And when I'm feeling depressed it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. Hard not to fall asleep sitting on the couch. Hard to have any desire to clean my house. To do anything. For some reason I am feeling very insecure about myself these days. I'm told all around I shouldn't I honestly don't feel like I should be either. I'm thinner than Ive ever been. My hair is longer than its ever been. My skin is finally clear. But I find myself obsessing over every wrong thing about myself I can find. Don't worry I wont go into detail. But I'm tired of it taking me an hour to try on everything I own because I don't think I look good in anything. Its on my mind so much of the time. I know its wrong to obsess over how I look so much. I just want to feel good about myself. Ryan sure seems happy with me if you know what I mean but sometimes its hard for me to be comfortable even with him I'm so self concious. I worked a couple nights this week. I hate that bar with all my heart and love my job like no other. Its not really a job. Just a place I go to serve drinks and get paid. Always dramatic. Always disgusting. Definitely never thought I'd see a grown man drunk enough to crap his pants. The thing I hate the most is the pregnant women smoking. Why are they blessed with a child they choose to harm?! It seems like Ryan was at work ALL day every day this week. Usually he gets a 3 hour break and having hime gone so much made me so depressed! I cannot be alone that often and be okay. I think to much and focus on the bad. I wish so much I could control my emotions better. Alot happened with my family this week. My wonderful brother Daniel pretty much got jumped by 5 other guys and they did him pretty good. He fought like a man and ended up getting his collarbone broke. That hurts me so much! I have had mine broke and just wish I could do something to help him. A close friend of the family's, who was very young took his own life this week. Leading one of my other younger brothers to rash actions that landed him in jail. It was scary and stressful for everyone, my mother especially. The highlights of my week were Friday, when Naomi and I went Christmas shopping and I mostly bought her things. We ate delicious chinese food and had a great time till Kmart denied my sears credit card. Boo Kmart. But it was fun. And Sunday I got to relax and spend the whole day with Ryan. It was wonderful. So ends my week.


Naomi didn't blog this week cause she is in the depths of despair.

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